Redefining Grief with Kandace Graham

How a woman mourned her mother from a place of serenity, balance, and gratitude by redefining grief.

Kandace Graham didn’t miss a daily call with her mother for over 20 years. Not one single day. When her mother unexpectedly passed away in mid-2020, Kandace found herself in a state of mourning that didn’t look like what we’ve come to expect. While she processed the sorrow of finishing one chapter of life, she entered a natural, authentic state of grief that was built on gratitude, peace, balance- and even joy- as she saw the gift of her mother’s presence in her life, her mother’s successful completion of her life’s work, and the legacy Kandace would carry on.

Email Kandace at [email protected] or find her on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/AuthenticLegacies

Find her mother’s book on amazon by clicking here: Living from the Inside Out by Angie Haggens; note that this podcast does not profit in any way from this link.

For a similarly- themed episode, try The Ancient Truths of Acceptance and PLINKO.

Episode transcript performed by audio software follows below- please excuse any inaccuracies.

Speaker 0 00:00:02 Ever since you can remember, you felt something in your chest telling you to move, to love, to speak, to try day after day. You pretend you don’t hear calling when maybe you dismiss it as silliness or worse that it’s there ready for you, and it will wait for you. And as long as you need, my name is Johnny G and I invite you to join me on a journey of awakening. As we dare to embrace our light. This is refractive. Hello
Speaker 1 00:00:35 Everybody. And welcome to another episode of refractive. I’m Johnny Jean. Today, we have such a powerful episode to go through and, uh, I’m excited to introduce you to a guest. She’s a very close friend of mine. Her name is Candice Graham. I want to start this episode with an intention to send out so much love and light to all the people who are listening to refractive today. Uh, because this is an episode that deals with a topic that can be sensitive. And, uh, I just want you to know that however you feel, whether you resonate with this topic and my take on it or not, uh, I do just want to send that love and light to you. Spiritual growth is not for the weak. And while we hear people say all the time at the passing of a loved one, that we wish each other peace, and that we believe that our loved ones are in a better place. It doesn’t mean that we don’t sometimes spiral into a dark space, um, because it’s hard to process the death and the passing of someone that we’re very close to.
Speaker 1 00:01:46 But when we look at the concept of spiritual growth, every single thing that happens in life, every joy pain, every moment of boredom and adventure, they’re all catalysts that are designed to gently nudge and sometimes not so gently nudge us on the path to a road of healing and to our highest calling of stepping into authentic power. So Candace, as I mentioned, she is a business owner, a community philanthropist, and a spiritual intuitive born in Baltimore. She relocated to Miami in her twenties where she put to use or education in science and in culinary arts. And she built a career and friendships that today span the globe. And I get to call myself one of those today. She’s back in Baltimore, she’s married to the love of her life. And she has two little centers of her universe. She has her kids, Devin and Olivia in 2020 in the midst of the COVID pandemic.
Speaker 1 00:02:44 She experienced the passing of her mother. She calls it her mother’s transition inspired in part by her mother’s life work, Candice launched authentic legacies. It’s an organization to help others become their most authentic selves. And if you listen to refractive, you know, that’s my jam. So, uh, the services that you provide include, uh, business consultancy, personalized crafting mindfulness development through authentic legacies Academy and Oracle card, intuitive readings for her philanthropy. She has three properties dedicated to supporting community nonprofits and families. So after all of that, Candice, welcome to refractive, my wonderful and powerful friend. I’m so excited to have you here. I’m excited to be here. Thank you for bearing your soul with us because, uh, I think the story of how you handled and processed your mother’s transition was so it was just so inspiring. I couldn’t believe it. I, I watched you go through it and the whole time I was ready to show up for you as a friend, to a person who was spiraling into darkness and that never happened.
Speaker 1 00:04:00 Um, I watched you maintain serenity and that doesn’t mean that you didn’t have sorrow. Um, but I just couldn’t believe that someone actually was able to respond naturally to this, uh, ideal idealized way of processing the death of a loved one. So before we kind of talk about a Candace, you wrote, uh, an introduction to your mother’s book to a special edition of your mother’s book, you call it in her words, and I would love to have you read part of that introduction to us so that we can see inside your mind what was happening as you processed her passing.
Speaker 2 00:04:41 Oh, of course. Welcome to my mind listeners and Johnny lovely again, don’t say don’t run away scared. Okay. So, uh, this is so, um, in her words is it will be a, this a collection of her handwritten notes from the process of writing her books and some other things that she was researching and practicing spiritually. Um, so the introduction begins. It was approaching 9:00 AM on Friday, August 21st, 2020. And there was still no answer, no response on Skype, Facebook, home, or cell phones. And over 20 years, we never missed a morning. Check-in never, I immediately knew. I just knew I got Devin and olives in the van and headed to my childhood home to pray over my mother during her transition. I just knew no sadness, no numbness, just peace and preparing my spirit to meet her. I just knew there she was on the couch, peacefully transitioning just as I knew, she looked so peaceful, so beautiful.
Speaker 2 00:05:40 So authentic. I prayed over her a shorter that we were all okay. Thanked her for those things that she reported to Devin and Island. I was humbled and with gratitude from the depths of my soul, thank her for the faith, strength and courage. I just knew she gave me that was sustained me on earth here without her, everyone from then until now, ask how I held it all together while I didn’t. I cry when I need to laugh when I need to handle business. When I need to talk to God, when I need to talk to her, when I need to, how can I not be strong when I just witnessed and knew the beautiful spirit that guided me, loved me unconditionally and taught me to love unconditionally poured the spirit love and wisdom of God. And to me, and demonstrated and inspiring and inspired unwavering faith was teaching me her final lesson, a peace that surpasses all understanding.
Speaker 2 00:06:31 I had no desire to understand what was happening or why it didn’t matter. And still doesn’t my goal. And my assignment was to ease her physical body. As her spirit was returned home. I just knew it had to be me. And it was truly the greatest honor of my life. Thus far, like everything in her house, in her life. She ended her mission on top and radiant. I can see her dancing and singing her way into the Gates of heaven, ready and prepared for her next assignment, sitting at the feet and thrown of the God. She loved what an overwhelming joy I had, knowing that she was reunited with family that proceeded her. The ringleader had arrived.
Speaker 3 00:07:06 Is that a look out? Although
Speaker 2 00:07:08 They knew she was coming, they prepared. I just knew that I had witnessed the most beautiful transition of a Saint that activated my transformation, walking alongside my little mommy during her transition. I felt the warmth and confirmation of my from connection with God, my faith transformed from a muster seat to a diamond. As I performed CPR with every whisper of a heartbeat, I prayed, cried and focused on helping her spirit reach the finish line. She knew she wasn’t perfect, but to me, she was, I just know she left her legacy and wisdom. And I just know I will too.
Speaker 3 00:07:47 You just knew I had
Speaker 2 00:07:50 Listen to Angie. Ain’t not picking up the phone. If he had an ounce of anything in her body, she would’ve called somebody, somebody, if she would have crawled out into the, onto the porch and waited for the garbage men to come, she would have reached out. And, you know, definitely always been an open discussion in my family for my grandfather being my mother every six months, she gave me an updated manifesto of her wishes and, you know, account numbers of who to contact in regards to different financial matters. So it always been an open conversation. We also openly talked about faith. Um, and honestly just w when she was here, we were just so split spiritually connected that, like I just knew, I knew that there was no way in the world that she would not take my call for that span of the morning. And I’m like, okay, well, like I said, I got the paper, the manifesto and headed over. And, you know, just when I got here, it wasn’t about me. You know, I can’t imagine everyone has different responses to definitely, as you said, some people, you know, have that response and granted, you know, once
Speaker 4 00:08:56 The EMT, you know, you know, unfortunately she had passed on the transition at that point. Yeah. I was like, my, my sister was here and I was snotty, blubbering mess. And then I was like, okay, you know what? My heart was not hurting for myself. Cause I had her, I had her for 41 years all to myself. That was my little mommy. And you know, I couldn’t have asked for a better, better mommy. Um, but my heart was breaking for Devin there, peanut butter and jelly, all her friends that she’s known longer than I’ve even been in. You know, my heart was breaking for those people, um, that I had to make the phone calls. Like I said, in my writing, I got hung up one. I got cursed out. I got, who is this Candace Angie who no, I think you have the wrong number.
Speaker 4 00:09:41 So that was where my sorrow and grief and mourning Kane, because much like us, she didn’t have Canterbury, many casual friends, everyone was family. Um, so that, that was where, you know, the, the saw and the grief came, came in. She’s fine. She’s in heaven or working wherever it is that she needs to be. Um, and we’re here still trying to figure it out. So, um, you know, she accomplished everything she wanted to accomplish. She wrote her book, she got to spend time with her grandkids, even up to the evening before her passing and her transition. Um, her car was paid for, she was retired. She had traveled, um, she met Shamar Moore. So like she did all the, she touched, uh, Oh, what is his name? Uh, Ricky Williams, I think from the Miami dolphins. She touched his locks in the club. Like she was living her best. She lived her best life. She absolutely loved her best life. Yeah. Um, yeah,
Speaker 1 00:10:33 But as an outsider, it just seems so extraordinary that for someone so close, I mean, you, you never missed a call for 20 years every day. Um, it’s just amazing that you seem to have found peace and acceptance so quickly. What do you think, what do you think was the reason for that?
Speaker 5 00:10:58 Um, honestly, I,
Speaker 4 00:11:00 I can’t, you know, I am not a very, uh, I say religious person, but we’re very spiritual. She talks in her book about her various, um, spiritual practices and things that she did to keep herself centered and grounded up until that point. Like if I was walking around like Montebello, I will be on the phone listening to Joyce Meyer through her. If I didn’t want to hear it, I’d be like, Oh, I’ll call you at 11 when you’re done. Um, but it was, it was like I said, it was a duty. Um, I looked up the word primal, cause it was primal and not in the sense that I felt that the urge that, so I looked it up. Um, and just on Google, um, like an essential, basic feeling that urge to protect yourself and your family from harm on the most basic part of, of who you are, that’s important, your hardwired behaviors enhanced your ability to cope with the vital environmental contingencies, tribal loyalty that is dedication to the people close to you and self preservation.
Speaker 4 00:11:58 So a part of it was, yes, I need to hold it together because if I don’t hold it together, then I won’t be together. And you know, I’ve got kids and so I just need to hold it together in this moment. But bigger than that was, you know, this woman lives, she two weeks passed her 65th birthday. You know, I want to honor her and everything I do to this day. I want to honor her. I want to be sure, you know, when the nine 11 operator asked me to perform CPR, I was like, no, I want to be humping away on her chest. You know, she passed sometime between when she started transitioning, I say transitioning because when I got here, she was not all the way deceased. Um, which I think is interesting because the TV was on the morning show and that comes on.
Speaker 4 00:12:42 I think it’s six or something like that. So sometime between one in the morning and about nine was when the transition started. So when I got here, you know, she was still, you know, she was still warm. Her ankles and wrists were a little rigid, but her knees and larger lambs were able to be moved. So to me, I’m like, okay, she’s, there’s still, there’s still some, some level of consciousness there. You know, if, if I were laying here at my favorite spot watching my favorite show, having my favorite beverage and I had that last moment of consciousness, what would I want to, like, what would I want those moments to be like, I would want to be reassured, I would want to, you know, like I said, in my writing had to be me. She was at my house the night before she would not have had a peaceful transition.
Speaker 4 00:13:29 Had she been in some horrific accident or the kids had seen her, you know, have some type of calamity. So, you know, to me, it’s like, you know, if this were me laying on the couch and Devin or Olivia came in, what would I want them to do? Realistically in my mind, I would want them to be like, okay, mommy, you know, everything’s going to be okay. You never know how people are going to react, but I’m like, you know, she can hear me. And this is the last time she’s going to hear my voice. And the last time I’m going to see, you know, any signs of like, what do I want this last exchange to be? So, like I said, as I was giving CPR, I mean, I was definitely crying and I got nine 11 on the phone. She’s like, do you feel her heartbeat?
Speaker 4 00:14:05 I’m like, listen, she’s like, get on the floor. I’m like, I’m not something on the floor. Listen, this lady lived 65 years and accomplished. I’m not thumping her on the floor. She’s like, well, I can tell you how to gently put her on the floor. I’m like, okay, well, that sounds better. Like, this is still my mama when I came in here and I didn’t know what was going on, I was still at, hello, mommy, are you here? So, you know, it’s all about, you know, like that prime or, um, just honoring, honoring who she is even to this day, through that moment, you know, if there’s any level of consciousness, what, what was, she would have wanted right. Over anything that I was feeling she would want to know. We had just had a conversation. Um, after I had Olivia, I had a health crisis and she told me how proud she wasn’t me, that I was able to go and help and advocate for myself.
Speaker 4 00:14:53 And that she knew I was, she knew that I was okay. Um, and she knew that Devin and Allah, she, she knew that everything here was settled. So me knowing that in her mind, you know, I’m like, yeah, we are okay. And go, you know, go peacefully, go see grandma and pop, pop, and Marsha and gosh, Russell from like the 90, you know, just all of these people that she talked about, you know, so many friends passing away with COVID and I’m like, you know, what, what better way? It’s, like I said, when your favorite spot, we called the counter Woody on Woody Washington, the morning show, she had like a bottle of water. Her hair was rolled up in her rollers. So, you know, when it came time for the viewing, literally all they had to do was like use her hair. That was it.
Speaker 4 00:15:37 So was like, she was ready. She was, she was ready. Um, her body wasn’t in any type of distress or comportment, nothing was knocked over. Um, she, she was just peacefully laying there. Um, I can’t say that she necessarily waited on me, but you know, there was definitely enough consciousness there that even when the MTS were, you know, doing CPR, they never shocked her when they were doing their CPR and intervention. Whenever I would see a slight jump in the monitor, I would say, you know, we’re okay. I love you. You know? And they’re kind of looking at me and I’m like, okay, she could still hear me right. The heartbeat. Right. Okay. So I’m going to reassure her and let her know. And you know, she’s looking down now. So there’s, I’m quite sure she shaking her head about a lot of stuff. God is telling her about me. Maybe she didn’t know, but in that moment,
Speaker 6 00:16:27 The Miami clubs are like, well, she was there for a lot of it. Oh goodness. Jessica Labonte, Jessica, Jessica LaMonte is doing your mama’s nails right now
Speaker 4 00:16:41 And talking and talking cash trash all the way. So, you know, thoughts like that and like, laugh like these. I’m like, you know how you know, she’s my best friend, one of my best friends. Right. I’m down here. Like, where’s the,
Speaker 6 00:16:54 Yep. So I wanna, I wanna kind of, you know, part of the reason that processing the death of a loved one is so hard is because of our attachment. It’s not, you know, love is not selfish, right? Love is not, love does not fear. Right? So when someone dies and we go into hysterics, that’s, that’s not our love talking. That’s fear. That’s fear that we’re alone. Fear that something that was ours is not with us anymore. Fear that a source of comfort support stability has been taken from us. Right. And so the pain of someone’s passing is mostly not, not fully, but mostly from attachment. Our ego has told us that we need this person, this person counts towards our happiness quotient. And if this person isn’t available to us anymore than we’ve lost, we’ve lost out. And it’s that loss that feels so painful and scary. And so I, I find it so interesting that you, um, while you relied so heavily on your mother for that emotional nourishment, uh, in that food, you still found yourself able to, um, let go and not clenched down. Right. Because it’s that clenching, don’t go, don’t go. Don’t go. It’s that clenching? That hurts. It’s not the letting go. That hurts. What are your thoughts on that?
Speaker 4 00:18:43 Well, I guess I could say, I never really held on now that I’m thinking about it, you know, we were thinking about it now. I guess we were just kindred spirits that, you know, just ended up as mother and daughter. Um, she would tell you in a minute, I don’t belong to anybody, but God. So, you know, I, you know, keeping that in mind, you know, she was my mother, but I was also a gift to her. You know, she was here before me, she gave life to me. So, you know, all of the, all of the things that I need to hold on to from her, she’s given me, she’s given me, um, I guess that’s the best way I can describe it. Um, if I, you know, sometimes I’m like, Oh my gosh. Like if I could just ask, like, we had a leak in the basement here in her house and I’m like, okay, this is what I want to ask my mom.
Speaker 4 00:19:31 I want to ask her about this frigging bucket, you know? And then there’s other times where I’m like, Oh, I’m going through the situation with, you know, with Devin or Olivia. I wonder what she would have done. And, you know, I think about her, her mother passed away when she was very, when she was a late teenager. Um, and she didn’t have her mom at all during, you know, when I was born. So a lot of her, most of all of her adult life, she had to navigate on her own. And I had the benefit 20 years over her. So we talk so openly about so many things. I mean, it would, we would say the same things at the same time. So I think that we were so spiritually connected and my faith won’t my faith. Doesn’t allow me to have that, that, that mentality.
Speaker 4 00:20:13 You know, if I believe the word of God that I believe in, you know, whomever is listening, whatever your higher power belief is, if you believe the truth of that practice, then essentially you shouldn’t he to your, I guess, another prime or, um, another primal instinct. I, it was just something natural for me. It’s I just, like I said, when I was at home, I just knew. So, you know, driving over, even though I had to pick up my husband’s key from the mechanic, I stopped and picked up his key from the mechanic. You don’t want the way there. Cause I was like, you know, I, I just knew, I knew what I had to do rushing. Wasn’t going to, you know, I didn’t want to get into an accident, you know, coming over here in hysterics. Um, as the EMT is lap, I had them put her back on the couch and I play some gospel music.
Speaker 4 00:21:01 I called my one of my long time childhood friends. Who’s a pastor. I said, Hey, what are you doing? He’s like, Oh, I’m at work. I said, okay, well I need a favor. He’s like, Oh, of course anything. I said, okay, um, Angie is past, you see on the couch and say, I need you to say a prayer. He’s like what? He’s like what he said, okay, wait, wait. Here’s what he said. Okay. Let me ask a, come on now, pastor, you know, you know, you are called one an assignment. So he said his prayer. He said, okay, I’m gone. I’ll talk to you later. So, um, I, I just, you know, I never hold possession over over people. Um, and I, you know, I know ultimately what’s best for her is in her spirit. You know, that body that was here, you know, she had her, you know, her crosses the bare some things that she was very easily able to work through. Some things that she was not, those are not issues that she has to work through anymore. Um, like Byron Katie talks about her mom, you know, why should I, why should I be upset? You know, if her mom had cancer, why should I be upset that she’s not here still suffering?
Speaker 6 00:22:06 Right, exactly. That she wrote,
Speaker 4 00:22:08 She wrote her book. Anything, honestly, any I finished, I finally read it. Re-read it? I should say. Um, after the editing process and anything that I would need to know is in that book except about the bucket in the basement. Yes, yes. Every everything except the bucket in the basement is in that book. Um, so how wonderful would it be for you to have left this legacy of a child and a grandchild and a home for, for your family? This book of wisdom, um, have accomplished? The only thing I think that she didn’t want to do was stop smoking and go to Fiji. Yeah. Those were the only two things. And then COVID hit. So she was on her. I ain’t going to Fiji. She wouldn’t even go to Wegmans. So she was not going to get on a plane and go to Fiji. So if she was content with her life, I would have nothing but joy and happiness for her.
Speaker 4 00:22:58 And, you know, in the means of compassion, like I said, if I was laying on that couch, of course, you know, I would not expect for my kids not to be emotional. Right. But having the presence of mind and just having, I guess, the strength to compartmentalize, I guess it’s like, okay, in this moment, I need to be a guide. I need to help her transition. And once all that’s done, you can kind of lose it, you know? And then from there you pick up the pieces and see what needs to be done. All right.
Speaker 6 00:23:28 So Candace, we are going to take a break. Uh, everyone we’ll be back in just about 45 minutes with our guests, Candice Graham. Hi everyone. I’m so happy that you’re listening to refractive podcast. I hope you’re resonating with today’s episode. I’m speaking, especially to those of you who are leaders in your organizations. If I can ever be of service for your team, I hope you’ll reach out to me. I live my best life by helping others do the same. My services include facilitating leadership meetings, offering workshops and seeing employee events. And of course, coaching, I work with individuals and with small groups to help your high-performers release, limiting beliefs and step into their full power I’m based in DC. I’m happy to travel and I can also support you virtually through zoom for more information, please visit refractive coaching.com. And now let’s go back to the podcast. All right, everyone. Welcome back to refractive, Candice, to jump right back into the conversation. I really want to dig a little bit into your mom’s book. We’ve mentioned it a couple of times. Would you share with the listeners what’s the title of the book and uh, what’s it about how did it come about?
Speaker 4 00:24:43 Um, so the title of the book is it’s a lengthy one. We had discussions about this living from the inside that said, you know, it’s your truth. You tell it, you put all the letters in there. You, you want, um, is this going to be, is a video going to be shown? Is it just going to be audio or video too? Yeah. Okay. Um, so the book is, um, this sister, she loved butterflies, um, living from the inside out metamorphosis of the butterfly within growing through life’s challenges. And, um, basically it’s just kind of a, uh, an outline of life experiences, life lessons, um, advice. I think every chapter has like a piece of advice in it. Um, male or female, I think a lot of the misconceptions, you know, because she’s a woman and she’s writing about her experience. You know, she talks about, um, putting on a facade, wearing a mask and not feeling good enough not being enough.
Speaker 4 00:25:40 Um, these are all things that realistically everyone, you know, challenge is challenged with. Um, so basically that’s what it is. It’s not really a memoir in the sense that she goes from, you know, birth to, to transition. It’s more about life lessons. She talks about the Rona in there, um, in, well that’s in the supplement, but, you know, she talks about being loose and being considered being a ho. And, you know, I remember some of the stories that she told me that aren’t in the book and, you know, it’s a very good synopsis of 65 years of wisdom. That’s very, very concentrated into, Oh gosh, it’s not even, it’s a very, very quick and interesting,
Speaker 6 00:26:23 Right. That’s right. I read it. It took me, I think, three hours, three pages. Yeah. And it’s, it’s a fast read and it is a chock full of wisdom. So, you know, here’s my perspective on, on that book. Uh, and we will share, uh, how to get a copy it if you’d like it’s available. Um, it’s available in paperback and it’s also available on Kindle. And my perspective is it’s not that Angie’s wisdom and life lessons are so revolutionary and never before seen. It’s not that it’s that she takes wisdom that we all have heard before. And she applies it to like, in this moment of my life, here’s where I applied this life lesson that we all already know. Right. And here’s what happened, or here’s a moment of my life where I would have benefited from applying this life lesson that we all already know. And because I didn’t, this is what happened. So it’s a very practical application of wisdom. And it’s about stepping into your true authenticity. Yes.
Speaker 4 00:27:43 It’s very transparent. It’s very transparent. Um, but the beauty and I guess one of going back to, you know, why it was so easy for me to, um, celebrate this transition. There’s nothing in this book. I didn’t know. You know, I don’t, I don’t feel like she left any cards on the table. She didn’t have any crazy bones, you know, skeletons in our closet, all the skeletons. Most of them, a lot of them are in this book. Um, I think it was very candid, but it was very respectful. Um, outside of very briefly mentioning, mentioning family. She didn’t mention names in situations, um, which I think is helpful because if you know her, you remember the whole, was that me? Was that not me, but it doesn’t detract from it. Doesn’t detract from the message. Um, like it’s very practical. And she, I think the thing that makes it very authentic and relatable is that she checks herself and she’s like, you know, what if I would’ve, you know, if I would have accepted the fact that it’s normal to want to date or sleep with or whatever, more than one, man, it doesn’t make me a ho if I would have accepted that and looked at it from a different perspective, I probably would not have made a lot of choices that I did or didn’t make.
Speaker 4 00:28:56 Um, so it’s not a, it’s not an, I learned all these lessons and now I’m so great. And I’ve moved on. It’s a, Hey, this happened, I didn’t know that I didn’t know this information, but now I do. And it’s how I improve. Or I knew this all along. I didn’t follow my intuition and this is what happened. And I learned a lesson. So, you know, being able to be that truthful and honest and authentic with yourself, um, that makes a difference. Yes. And that will give you peace.
Speaker 6 00:29:26 She talks about, for example, I mean like, like just for an example of how relatable this stuff is, in addition to her struggle with society’s definition of morality and how, you know, she would fall short of what society says she showed her have done. She talks about the complicated relationship with her father and how like, by absorbing messaging, that was not hers. It was not authentic to her, but by absorbing other people’s messaging and holding herself to other people’s standards, it tore her up from the inside and it held her back. Right. I talk about aiming your light, it shut her light out, you know? And, uh, as she compared herself to her siblings and to her, her parents’ expectations, it, it affected, it affected her. And I think that there’s so much of that, that we can all relate to. Um, when we swallow someone else’s definitions of appropriate and then get upset when it doesn’t fit.
Speaker 4 00:30:27 Right. And I think that, I feel like, I don’t know if it really translated through the book or if it’s just because she’s my mom and I knew, but I think that a part of that was a lot of, um, assumptions as well. Um, I know there’s, she told me about conversations that she had with people about the book Africa. And they were like, well, I never felt that way. Why did you think I felt that way? And she’s like, Oh wow. I just, you know, just naturally stepped into that role. I just naturally took up that cross to bear. And they were like, well, no, you know, so, you know, having been through what she went through with my grandmother and, you know, being in the house at 18 and, you know, going through the things with my, my grandfather and grandmother and then various things throughout her life with work, you know, holding it all in, absorbing it and then still putting on a brave face.
Speaker 4 00:31:16 So then people just keep dumping the mess and you just keep absorbing it. And then you, you know, you put, you have a closet with a ton of stuff in it. You don’t know what’s there. And then one day it just all explodes in one way or another. So, um, yeah, I loved the book. I helped her edit up to a certain point. And then I was like, okay, this is enough hour. I’ll get around to reading it. Um, but like I said, there’s nothing, there’s nothing in here that, that I didn’t know. And definitely she was not a very, uh, micro-managing mom. So it’s very interesting to read and see how much I am light. I mean, I knew that, but how much I am like her and how my values, um, mirror hers and certain things and aspects of my life that she may have wished that she could have had that.
Speaker 4 00:32:03 I, I, I did experiences not because she, you know, she certainly was not thrilled when I told her I was moving to Miami. Um, but she, I know that that was something that she always wanted to do was, was said she could have left Baltimore because of, you know, my grandmother’s house, she wasn’t able to. Um, but she on the flip side was like, Oh great. And this is where our kind of philosophy is managed a match. You know, my daughter is moving to Miami. How, you know, how sad that I’m so that she’s so far away, but also I have a vacation spot. I can go stay in a hotel for free. I can get free massages. I can go to the, so while
Speaker 2 00:32:40 I’ve missed it, I guess this is kind of a synopsis of it that while I miss her, I know that the experience that she’s having and the character that she’s building far outweighs my need to have her close to me.
Speaker 6 00:32:53 Yeah. Yeah. I picked a part of that book. That’s my favorite. Would you be willing to read it? Sure. All right. Look, I read through that whole book a second time. I’m like, wait, which one’s my favorite. And I read through the whole book again, it is such an easy to digest, easy to read book. Um, yeah. Anyway, go ahead.
Speaker 2 00:33:13 Yeah. And I was like, Oh, I’m gonna, I’m gonna like write this the whole, my whole copy is marked up. I’m like, I can’t even pick one favorite part. Um,
Speaker 6 00:33:25 Yeah, cause it’s a study. It’s a study guide. It’s like a stairs for how to, how to find your own authenticity. That’s really what her mission was. She talks about it in the beginning. She’s like, you know, and that’s the whole metaphor of the Caterpillar, right? Is that like you go through this so that you can stand firmly and confidently in who and what you are, you know? And,
Speaker 2 00:33:48 And it’s a process. Trust the process, trust the process. Um, okay. So the excerpt from her book, I’m not sure which chapter this is.
Speaker 6 00:33:58 It’s from it’s from the last chapter, I think.
Speaker 2 00:34:01 Okay. Um, so this is living from the inside out, um, metaphor of the metamorphosis of the butterfly within growing through life’s challenges by Andrea, Denise, Angie, Hagans a novel by Kush. Um, uh, so her and her words for me, I started my evolution or my transformation when I finally got to the point where I was tired of being a people pleaser. I had been aligned myself to be used or taking for granted and knowing my wants and desires, there was a lot of negative self-talk going on. I needed to detox from the stories that I created in my head about who I was. I found that life is all about relationships with your parents, your children, your relatives, siblings, and lovers, friends, coworkers, with all those relationships going on. I oftentimes forgot about my relationship with my divine entity. Just as important as that relationship is a relationship with myself. I realized that you always have to leave something for yourself, but don’t give all of yourself away. So when it comes to you that there’s nothing left you’re depleted. I came up with my personal vision or mission mission statement as a result of emerging from my cocoon. My vision statement says my success depends on my ability to use my knowledge, skills, and life experiences with integrity in order to help others begin to heal. That’s basically the premise of my book.
Speaker 6 00:35:23 Ooh, goosebumps. I love it. This is so many of us. And, you know, Candice you’re, you’re one of my spiritual partners. It’s a, it’s a term I use. Um, I got this from Gary Zuckoff spiritual teacher, but it’s a term I use for people who are in my life and on a parallel spiritual journey. And there are people I use to hold myself accountable and, uh, to bounce things off of. And I count on these people as well to challenge me when I’m not living up to the growth that I say I want. And, um, for so many of us who are on this path, the idea of living a life, living my best life, so that other people feel so other people find their own permission to live their best life. Like that’s what it’s all about. That is what it’s about. And when I read that, Angie was like, that’s the premise of her book. Like, man, that just resonated with me.
Speaker 4 00:36:30 And, and that’s really, you know, I I’ve always, I didn’t feel like I had the means to, to be that, to be that force in people’s lives for one reason or another. Um, but always worked in hospitality. So, you know, that urge to, to serve people, to help people, to make their lives better, um, above all, to help them realize that they are worthy and that they have all the things in them that they need. Um, you know, I listened to Byron Katie and Joyce Meyer, TD Jakes and other . And they, I won’t say that they have a cookie cutter approach to things, but
Speaker 6 00:37:12 Don’t argue they don’t argue with each other.
Speaker 4 00:37:15 Right. So, but why can’t you have, have your own philosophy? You know, you take what you can and release what you can’t. So, you know, I might say something from Byron Katie, something from TD Jakes, something from NAS or DMX channel 47 on Sirius FM. When the kids are like, I need the shirt that says I’m spiritual, but I cuss a little bit, you know, you just have to know, you know, like I said, you know, you walk up two feet, you have your, your spiritual foot and you have your third world or your earthly foot. And you, you know, you have to learn to strike the balance. And once you find your own balance, not only will people see your example, but they will trust and believe that they can do it themselves. And they they’ll trust your advice. Um, it’s happened to me, you know, in my relationship with you, you, you can sense who’s authentic and who’s just like shooting the mass at you.
Speaker 4 00:38:08 And if you don’t trust yourself and you’re not authentic and truthful for yourself, like, you know, like she says in her book, if I can’t put all of that aside, then I can’t help myself. And then I can’t help anybody else. So people see me, they’re like, wow, you know, she’s like, how is she doing it? How is she accomplishing all of these things? And she always used to say, you know, people always wonder, you know, what’s going on at her house. I never see, you know, people come in and go in, but she don’t, she always has put together and she’s like, it’s none of their business. And I said, you know, this evening when I was thinking, I said, reminds me, I can’t remember who said it, but maybe multiple people, um, other peoples, Oh, what is it? I like, it’s not my business with other people think about me.
Speaker 1 00:38:50 Oh yeah, you’re right. Yeah. Yeah. I love it.
Speaker 4 00:38:53 It’s not my business. But when I take care of myself, I’m authentic to myself. I don’t have to be concerned about their opinions because they will, they’ll, they’ll get the picture. And they’ll, you know, they’ll know what’s really going on is when you’re not authentic. And you’re wearing that mask that people are trying to figure out and, you know, the backbiting and the, you know, the gossiping and the whisper start. But if there’s nothing to, you know, there’s nothing, there’s nothing to guess about. There was nothing to guess about with my mom. Um, I, I don’t think there was anyway, people knew who, and like she said, in her book, people know what to call me about and what not to call me about. And if you call me and ask me, I’m going to tell you, so, you know, setting those boundaries as well, um, helped her, you know, maintain and keep her cup full for herself.
Speaker 1 00:39:38 Certainly no mystery to me about where the title of your organization comes from. So I’d love for you to kind of give us a kind of like a high level story of, uh, what’s the connection between you starting authentic legacies and this path, this chapter that closed with the passing of your mom.
Speaker 4 00:40:01 Um, and just in general. So my last job was in hotel sales. And like I said, I’ve been in hotels since I was 18 or 19 years old. And it always interested me that people don’t don’t understand their power. They don’t know their power, they don’t know their basic rights, um, something so simple as when I had one of my children, I didn’t know, I could walk outside and get fresh air. I couldn’t take the baby, but I had a C-section. I was in the hospital for a week. Just that little bit of fresh air, you know, it would have made such a difference in my recovery. I feel so my, you know, one of my main goals is to, you know, ultimately teach people and, you know, say, Hey, listen, these are your rights. Um, get, you know, once you recognize what your needs are, first of all, you have to know what your needs are and how to advocate for yourself.
Speaker 1 00:40:48 Talking about like legalities, you’re talking about, this is the space you have the right to take up in your life.
Speaker 4 00:40:54 Both, both, both, both. I mean, you know, it, it could be a spiritual thing, you know, like I said, you know, my faith won’t allow me to believe and think certain things. And if I am having those thoughts, then I go back and question my faith and then that’ll bring me back around, you know? And not everybody has the spiritual maturity, I guess you could say. Um, so, you know, and knowing what it took for my mother to get to where she was in her authenticity and spiritual maturity, and also here, you know, physically materialistically with the things she had and how she handled money. Um, I would like to teach people in the community how to kind of fast track get there, you know, it won’t, it shouldn’t take you 65 years. It took someone else 65 years. It shouldn’t take you 65 years.
Speaker 4 00:41:39 The information is there. Um, you know, it could be, you know, something spiritual about, you know, meditation. A lot of people say meditation doesn’t work for them. Well, maybe there’s, you know, there’s many forms of meditation. It’s not all owns and, you know, Tibetans thing in bowls, there’s lots of things you can do. Um, and then materialistically, you know, I’ve been talking to a lot of my friends own homes. I’m like, listen, you got to get a life estate deed. And I’m like, well, what does that? So, you know, it’s basically a deed that when someone passes away, the house automatically rolls over to their name. There’s no probate and debt, people don’t know these basic things. Um, and it, and to me, that’s a, that’s a great injustice that, I mean, she, that wasn’t her platform, but to me, it’s a great injustice when people aren’t able to access their full potential because they don’t have information that someone else has, or at least that I have. So, you know, I’m a forever student of myself and the world, you know, the material world and the spiritual world. So I would, it would be an injustice if I didn’t share that with someone else.
Speaker 6 00:42:37 Absolutely. Candice, how can people get in touch with you if they’d like to?
Speaker 4 00:42:43 Um, so you can email [email protected],
Speaker 6 00:42:48 I would say single or legacies, plural legacy,
Speaker 4 00:42:52 A single, single, authentic legacy for Hawaii project. Um, you can find me on Facebook under the same title and soon to launch when this podcast airs, um, will be the authentic legacy project, YouTube channel.
Speaker 6 00:43:06 All right. All right. So, uh, all right, everybody. Well, I want to give so much thanks and appreciation to Candice for coming on here, making herself vulnerable, sharing, such a personal story. I got to tell you, Candice, when I was trying to come up with the outline, I felt so uncomfortable writing out these topics. Because even though we’re friends like you, don’t like, you can’t know how other people are processing such a personal thing. And I’m like, Oh God, like I can’t, I don’t want to step on her toes. But the reason I want her on my show is because what happened was extraordinary. And, uh, and I want people to know that it is possible to love someone with all of your heart and to celebrate the fact that they have passed on. And to use that as your spiritual fuel for your next chapter, you did it. I saw it. I now know I can do it. And I want everyone who listens to this to know that they can do it too.
Speaker 4 00:44:06 That’s absolutely. Yep.
Speaker 6 00:44:08 So, all right, everybody. Well, we are wrapping up now. Have an amazing rest of the week and always, always remember aim your life.
Speaker 4 00:44:18 All right. Take care.
Speaker 6 00:44:24 I can’t read you all right, everybody. Now here’s the real goodbye. Bye everybody.
Speaker 4 00:44:29 Bye.
Speaker 6 00:44:32 You have been listening to refractive podcast and this is Johnny G. If you’ve enjoyed today’s episode, do me a favor, give it a share on social media, or if you’re in the podcast app, give it a rating. If you’re on YouTube click, like it really does make a difference in the search results. I am a speaker, coach and facilitator based in Washington, DC, but I work in person and remotely with people who are ready to step with clarity into their most authentic life. If I can be of service, reach out to me, Johnny J O H N N [email protected] have an amazing day. Be good to each other and always remember aim your light.