Who Do You Think You Are?

When you think you are not enough, not worthy, not strong, ask yourself: is it true?

This episode of Refractive features a raw, powerful, inspiring keynote speech. Johnny G tells the story of his experience with darkness, the loss of hope, and the unexpected people who pulled him back from oblivion. The keynote speech ends with a powerful lesson that enabled him to let go of the beliefs that kept him in chains.

For information on speaking, facilitation, and custom workshops, visit www.RefractiveCoaching.com/speaking.

Many Refractive Episodes are also posted on the Refractive Youtube Channel.

If this episode resonates with you, you’ll find similar messaging in these episodes: Surrender to Greatness, Making Peace with Our Dark Side, and The Ancient Truths of Acceptance and PLINKO.

Byron Katie, author and spiritual teacher, is referenced in the keynote address. You can find her website at byronkatie.com.

An automatic transcript follows. Please excuse any inaccuracies from the software.

Speaker 0 00:00:01 Ever since you can remember, you felt something in your chest telling you to move, to love, to speak, to try day after day. You pretend you don’t hear calling. Maybe you dismiss it as silliness or worse, but it’s there ready for you. my name is Johnny G and I invite you to join me on a journey of awakening as we dare to embrace our life. This is refractive . Hello. Hello everyone. And welcome to another episode of refractive. When I look at all of the things, I think that I was

Speaker 1 00:00:55 Born to do the number one
Speaker 0 00:01:00 And calling that I feel is public speaking. Ever since I was a kid, I have enjoyed immensely getting on a stage and speaking before groups at people. And today I believe that ultimately, this will be the way that I serve the world. This will be the way that I offer the most help, the most support and shine, the most light out to my fellow humans. So when I get a chance to do some public speaking, it really is something that’s powerful for me. It taps into one of the most authentic and powerful places within me as a being. And I really get a lot of joy and energy out of it. So I want to share with you a keynote address. It is raw, it’s personal, it’s powerful. And I hope it helps you to question those times when you believe something that’s holding you back because often there’s a lot more to that story than what we’ve just accepted as truth. Enjoy.

Speaker 1 00:02:18 Who do you think you are? I’ll tell you that even two or three years ago, I would have told you that I was a deeply damaged person. And that goes all the way back to adolescence. You see high school for me was, uh, it was extraordinary in that, uh, it was just a really brutal four years and you know, lots of kids go through bullying. And, um, but I just got to tell you that, um, I made an easy target and I look back at those dark four years, walking down the corridors, I can see the pale blue lockers. I can see the rough brick details inside the building and those indestructable vinyl floor tiles that we’ve all seen in school buildings. And, um, and it was just a really uncomfortable place for me. And, uh, everybody knew it.

Speaker 1 00:03:47 And so as I went through this experience where starting at the bus stop, then on the bus, then in the school yard, then in homeroom, then in the corridor between classes, then in each class, then waiting for the bus. Then on the bus and every single moment, every day it was horrific. It brought me to the point of wanting to kill myself. And it brought me to a place where I no longer felt able to give myself to anyone. I just couldn’t let people see the loser that I believed I was because I knew that the 375 people in my class couldn’t be wrong.

Speaker 1 00:05:10 And while I might not have agreed with them on that first day, after a couple of days where it doesn’t let up, I folded that in to my identity and it began to color who I thought I was. So I drank because starting at the age of 16 and to be honest, even a few times before that, I guess really starting at 13, but drinking seriously from the age of 16. When I drank, I felt like a star. I felt sexy and smart. I felt like the people in the room, the bar wanted me to be there. I didn’t feel at best tolerated the way I felt before. And so I drank because once I got access to the way that felt there was, there was nothing that was going to stand between me and feeling that way.

Speaker 1 00:06:30 I was a binge drinker and, uh, I never wanted a glass of wine with dinner. I wanted to drink to get drunk. I wanted to drink, to feel free of the horror story I believed I was in. And the worst part was that I over time began to pick up that hammer that my classmates were hitting me with. And I began to hit myself with it. And it was only when I was drinking that I would stop. When I moved into my professional life, that became another way that I started to get relief from the, the torture that I was putting myself through. You see, when I, when I would go to work, I could make my boss proud and I would get a Pat on the back and appreciated and all of those things and my colleagues, the customers, and my boss made me feel for those minutes, a way that I couldn’t make myself feel, they made me think of myself as worthwhile and talented and good.

Speaker 1 00:08:03 And so at night on the weekends, whatever I would drink and I was a star. And during the day I would work hard and I was a star because let me tell you something, nothing makes you work harder than when your job is one of the only ways you feel good about yourself. And so I got promoted six times in eight years. And, uh, my company was so happy to develop me and invest in me because they saw how hard I worked, you know, but eventually these two, these two coping mechanisms, the drinking and the work they collided and my drinking started to get in. My drinking, started to cause problems for me at work. And when that happened, I had to choose one. And the more realistic choice for me was to pick my career. So I stopped drinking. It was as simple as that.

Speaker 1 00:09:08 And I continued on this path and I continued to do well at work, but all of a sudden I had no more medicine to make me feel okay, outside of work, I had nothing else to soothe me. Nothing else would work. And so I began to amplify other compulsive behaviors that took the place of alcohol. I began to binge eat. I shopped compulsively to make myself feel good, to make myself feel good, to make myself feel worthwhile. Like I had a life worth living. I would use sex and hookups and dating as a way to try to make myself feel good. And I really spun out of control in that area.

Speaker 1 00:10:02 I worked my butt off. I worked so hard. And so these are the ways that I stopped drinking and still found a way to muddle through life day after day. But here’s the thing. When I traded out one compulsion for four or five, man, my life got chaotic quick. And I spiraled into a really, really dark place. I found myself 400 and twenty-five pounds diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. I was $35,000 in credit card debt. I was alone. I couldn’t fly anymore. And I had a travel based job. I stuck out that job for a while, but the day my father died, I got that call from my sister. And, um, I was in New York. I lived in new Orleans and, uh, you see at my size at 425 pounds, I was so big that sometimes, usually the seatbelt extender would work, but not always.

Speaker 1 00:11:46 Some of them were too small. They aren’t all the same length. And, uh, when I would walk down the aisle, you could just see the terror in people’s eyes, hoping that I wasn’t going to sit next to them because, um, I took up a full seat and a half. So the day my father died, I had to book a window seat on a sold-out flight. And I never booked a window seat. I always booked an ILC because I could, you know, spill out into the aisle a little bit. Um, but this time it wasn’t possible.

Speaker 1 00:12:29 And there I was seated against the window and the middle seat was empty and someone walked up and they refused to take that seat. So that day, that same day, my father had died and I’m leaning against the window trying to black out the world in so much pain. And the person refused to take their seat on the sold-out flight. Now this wasn’t the first time this happened. This was the third time this had happened to me on the sold-out flight. But let me paint this picture for you. The flight attendant has to find a volunteer, willing to sit in that seat, or we can’t take off.

Speaker 1 00:13:28 So imagine what it feels like on the day your father died to have the flight attendant, begging people, going to petite people and begging them to come sit next to me, monster that I was now, it’s not really their fault. I mean, it wasn’t fair for them to have to be put in such an uncomfortable situation, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t painful. So she found someone and this small lady took the seat. I thanked her for being willing to sit next to me. And over the course of the entire flight, the flight attendant came by and continued to offer her gifts, food beverages, all in appreciation for being willing to take this seat. And it was in that moment that I decided, uh, I, I just couldn’t do this job anymore.

Speaker 1 00:14:39 So I quit right there. The next morning I called my boss and I said, I will never get on a plane again for you. And, uh, so I’ll give you 90 days. Notice if I can work from home and train my replacement, but that’s it. I won’t do it well there. I found myself, as I mentioned, $35,000 in debt, no savings. I moved into my mother’s house. There was no room. I would carry a mattress into the living room every night. And that’s where I would sleep attached to my C-PAP machine in my thirties, six prescriptions, a machine to make sure I didn’t choke on myself at night.

Speaker 1 00:15:36 No friends, no romance, no job. And I just, I was ready. I was ready to sink into darkness. I was just ready. I mean, there’s no bouncing back from that. Surely if someone could come back from that, they would film documentaries about that person. It would be extraordinary. There is no hope. I did end up going to a therapist. And as I walked into the therapist office, I hear a call from the back. This high pitched squeaky voice saying, just have a seat there. And they in the open office, I’ll, I’ll be in, in a second. Okay. So I sat there and a few minutes later, this elderly woman rolled herself in, in a wheelchair, close the door and squeaked at me how delighted she was to meet me.

Speaker 1 00:16:47 I can hear that voice right now. It’s it was on the phone when I made the appointment. I wasn’t sure what to make of it. So over the course of this session, I told her that I felt broken and damaged and that I just, I just needed to be restored to. I didn’t need to be happy. I just needed to be restored to a basic, realistic way to cope every day. And at some point over the course of that session, she looked at me and her eyes got big. And she said, Oh, my, your capacity to love is enormous. I see it. I see it shining out of you. It’s pink. It’s shimmery. Oh, I can see it. It’s beautiful. It’s very powerful. And I’m sitting there, I’m like this woman has lost her marbles. Like, what do you mean? You can see my love shining out and it’s pink and shimmery.

Speaker 1 00:17:57 But there was something that happened as she told me that she saw the love pouring out of me. I believed in just a small way that I was no, that I wasn’t damaged beyond repair. I reached out to a former boss in Orlando and I told her that I, uh, was going to restart my life. And I was going to figure out a way to just not hurt. Just have a reasonable life. She told me, Oh my gosh, please come to Orlando. Please come here. You can work for me. I can’t pay you what you’re used to making, but I can give you a little something and you can do projects for me, uh, while you job hunt, come on back.

Speaker 1 00:19:07 So I went back to Orlando. I had worked there probably, I don’t know, six years before that. And this company just rallied around me and found miscellaneous jobs for me to do, but the most incredible part of it, not only was I so appreciative. Oh, not to mention a former colleague opened up his house and let me stay. But not just that. The fact is there were about 10 people in that department where I was, and they rallied around me like pillars and just lifted me up all 425 pounds on me. And I’ll tell you, my spirit weighed a lot more than that. And they lifted me up and they were so happy to see me walk through the door every morning.

Speaker 1 00:20:20 And they wanted to sit next to me. They wanted to sign birthday cards for me, and they wanted to have lunch together. And I don’t know, I don’t know what happened. And I don’t know why, but these people loved me in a way that I couldn’t love myself. And I was only there for 11 months, but I’ll tell you what that boss and that team saved my life. It didn’t matter who I thought I was because they told me who they thought I was. They planted a seed. They gave me an idea and I don’t know what they were selling, but I bought it.

Speaker 1 00:21:34 I bought it. And that relaunched me. All of the sudden, I ended up in a job with more responsibility and more money than I had ever had before I moved to a city that I grew to love deeply. And I began to invest in finding out who I truly was behind all of these awful stories that I believed about myself. Who was I? Why was it that those 10 or 12 people back in Orlando saw something magnificent and worthy of love in me? Why couldn’t I see that? So I started to dig. It was painful. It took years.

Speaker 1 00:22:52 I learned that I was a rageful person. I would have told you there was no, I would have argued with you that I was not rageful. I learned that I was a horrible gossip. I’ve learned that I was hypersensitive and insecure. I learned so much about the triggers, but also the drivers and the values in me that made me who I was. And that colored my day. And just like little paving stones that lead the way to your neighbor’s front door. I moved from exercise to exercise from teacher to teacher, from book to book, to podcast, a podcast, all of these focused on helping me learn who I was at my core.

Speaker 1 00:23:50 And it all culminated with an extraordinarily powerful teaching from a lady by the name of Byron Katie, Byron, Katie, look her up, do yourself a favor. And she taught me that all suffering, not all pain, all suffering originates from a story that we believe that argues with reality. I’ll say it again. All suffering begins with a story that we believe that argues with reality. My classmates shouldn’t have treated me this way. That’s a story I believed I shouldn’t be this overweight. That’s a story I believed it’s unfair. I shouldn’t have had the life. I had the story. I believed all of these things were beliefs that argued with reality. My classmates shouldn’t have treated me this way. Okay. It’s what happened. It was what happened.

Speaker 1 00:25:49 Maybe I shouldn’t have treated myself that way. Maybe I shouldn’t have accepted that. Maybe I should have gotten help. Maybe I shouldn’t have believed what they said about me, because I’m going to tell you that the pain may cause me over four years was nothing compared to the 15 years that followed the pain. I caused myself. I shouldn’t have done that to myself. It has nothing to do with them life. Wasn’t fair. Yeah. I believe that. And when I believe it, it hurts. Is it not fair? I don’t know their causes and effects. It might be things I don’t understand. But when I believe it’s not fair. It hurts. When I stopped thinking about how unfair everything is, I can let it go. So it’s my thoughts. It’s my belief systems that say reality is wrong. And shouldn’t be what it is. Those are the things that hurt me. My father shouldn’t have died that pur that woman should have wanted to take the seat next to me on the plane, that flight attendant shouldn’t have bribed the other lady with drinks for being willing to sit next to me. These are things I believed. And when I believe them, they hurt.

Speaker 1 00:27:21 And let me tell you today. When I have a thought about myself, that is not positive. I investigate that bad boy. Is it true? Is it true? So let me ask you, I’m going to go back to the first words that I said today. Who do you think you are? Who do you think you are? Do you think you’re fat? Do you think you’re broken? Do you think you’re a mom whose kid should respect her more? Do you think you’re someone who’s underappreciated at work? Do you think your sales goals are unreasonable and you’re stuck in that situation?

Speaker 1 00:28:20 Do you believe you’re going to be alone forever? Do you believe if you demand what you really are worth? You’ll have to experience it by yourself. What do you believe? Who do you think you are? Because I have news for you. The person you think you are is the person you are. Let me do for you. What that therapist did for me. Let me shake you out of your fog. You don’t deserve to live a life in that fog. You were born for magnificence. You were born for glory and joy. And if you don’t have glory and joy in a magnificent life, you are the only person who can fix it.

Speaker 1 00:29:25 You are the only person powerful enough to stop yourself. The only thing strong enough to cut a diamond is a diamond. No one can hold you back. No one can stop you. Nothing is impossible. Nothing is impossible unless you make it. So each one of us creates the world we live in. Do you believe the political chaos is ruining society? Okay. Well then enjoy your world of chaos because that’s the world you’ve created. Do you believe the fighting that people are doing is your business. Okay? You can have that. The universe will give you what you want. Is that what you want? Do you want to live in that, in that world? Go for it. You can have it. Or do you believe the fighting and the anxiety and the stress? Do you believe that’s their business and not yours? Because the minute you believe it’s not your business to get involved in that fighting the minute you drop it and you have peace. And so I’m going to leave you with a challenge.

Speaker 1 00:30:56 The challenge is the next time you absorb and accept a thought that is negative. I’ll never make that sales goal. No one wants to go out with me. I can’t save up money. I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life. I really deserved it. The next time you believe a thought like that, just, just investigate it. Just look at it and say, is it true? Is it true? Very rarely, should a negative thought ever be true. And if you can’t come up with an answer other than yes, then go to someone who loves you and ask them, do you think this is true? And let them do for you? What you can do for yourself. Let them shine. The light on you, that you were born to shine on yourself. And you will find over time that you will blow brighter and you will cause ripples in the people around you that will never reach the shore. That’s what you were born for. It’s your superpower. Who do you think you are? I know who you are already. It’s time to find out.

Speaker 0 00:32:58 This is Johnny G and you have been listening to refractive podcast. If you enjoyed today’s content, please subscribe. And either like the episode or give it a rating, it helps to prioritize this content in search engine results. I’m a coach speaker and facilitator based in Washington, DC. I work in person and remotely with those who are ready to step into an authentic life and a fulfilling career. If I can be of service, visit refractive coaching.com or email me at [email protected]. I’d love to hear your comments and feedback on the podcast, or maybe you have a topic you’d like to hear. You can find me on social media, on Facebook and YouTube @refractivecoaching and on Twitter and Instagram. @refractivelife. As you go through your day, I hope you remember the magnificence that is your birthright. Be good to each other, and don’t forget to aim your light.