[00:00:02] Speaker A: Ever since you can remember, you felt something in your chest telling you to move, to love, to speak, to try.
Day after day, you pretend you don't hear it calling. Or maybe you dismiss it as silliness or worse. But it's there, ready for you, and it will wait for you as long as you need.
My name is Johnny G, and I invite you to join me on a journey of awakening as we dare to embrace our light. This is refractive.
Hello, everyone. Thanks for tuning in to another episode of Refractive podcast. I'm your host, Johnny G.
I am a serial clencher.
It sounds crazy to say, it's a weird word to use, but I clench my jaw. I've always grind my teeth and do that. I carry a lot of tension in my muscles. I clench my muscles all the time. As a part of my mindfulness journey, I've really made effort to notice when I have certain muscles that are clenched up. In fact, just now while I was speaking, I noticed my shoulders were clenched and I was able to release them. But more important than clenching my jaw.
[00:01:33] Speaker B: And clenching my muscles, I have an.
[00:01:39] Speaker A: Entire life of experience of grabbing and snatching and clenching and holding and squeezing onto anything or anyone that.
[00:01:55] Speaker B: Would give.
[00:01:56] Speaker A: Me a little bit of a sense of security.
Life was hard.
I didn't feel a lot of security from the world around me. And I know that I'm not unique in that no one makes it through adolescence unscathed. But for me, the lesson I took away from childhood was the more I control, the better my life will be, because the more I control, the less possible it is for someone to pull the rug out from under me, to surprise me with negative circumstances.
And I was really explicit about this strategy in life. Even calling it a strategy is kind.
[00:02:55] Speaker B: Of illustrative of what's going on here.
[00:02:59] Speaker A: I had a strategy of, in any.
[00:03:02] Speaker B: Complicated situation, of identifying every variable and.
[00:03:08] Speaker A: Working out what were the most likely outcomes and then putting into action all the steps that would give me the outcomes that I wanted the most. And I did this with people. Oh, my gosh. I did it on dates. I would think about every possible outcome and try to reverse engineer successful dates. I did this in the business world, which was incredibly successful. That's exactly how you're successful in the business world. So that worked out well for me.
I did it with my career. I did it with my friendships.
I have to admit, as silly as it sounds, I even did it with my spiritual growth. I took my spiritual growth, broke it down into manageable chunks, and reverse engineered each sub step along the way to make sure that it was going to be as positive for me as I could. And all of the time I'm doing.
[00:04:16] Speaker B: This, I don't realize that what I'm doing is clenching.
[00:04:22] Speaker A: I'm grabbing and reaching and snatching and holding and squeezing because I don't want things to disappoint me. I don't want to be hurt, I don't want to be uncomfortable. I want to be at peace. And the way I can be at peace based on a tumultuous childhood is by controlling as many variables as I can.
Today.
[00:04:50] Speaker B: I'm graced with awareness of this.
And I don't really wish that I.
[00:05:01] Speaker A: Had awareness it earlier. I feel like that's inappropriate.
I needed every stumble along the way, I needed every damaged relationship. I needed every resentment and frustration along the way to bring me to what I am. So, honestly, I don't wish things would have been different.
But I can certainly imagine a less.
[00:05:27] Speaker B: Painful path.
[00:05:31] Speaker A: A less painful path had I been aware of this earlier. And so I'm making this episode today because I'm wondering if any of you are also serial clenchers out there.
Do any of you have a pattern in life of grabbing and snatching and.
[00:05:56] Speaker B: Holding and planning and executing and squeezing.
[00:06:04] Speaker A: So that you can make your life feel okay?
I wish I could say that today. I no longer do that. That's not really true. In fact, I just had a dramatic situation with a family friend that was all about me needing to be in control. And so I've done so much work, so much work over these past years to explore myself, to make space for my values, to live life according to this spiritual awakening that I'm so happy to have experienced.
[00:06:49] Speaker B: And yet.
[00:06:52] Speaker A: I still fall down the manhole. Right? I still, like, bloom. There we go. I was just walking down the street.
[00:06:58] Speaker B: Bloop.
[00:06:58] Speaker A: Fall right in. And.
[00:07:03] Speaker B: I'm not enlightened.
[00:07:05] Speaker A: I am just a guy doing the.
[00:07:07] Speaker B: Best I can, trying to be of service, trying to live in the direction of love and not in the direction of fear as often as I can. That's what I'm doing.
[00:07:25] Speaker A: So, just on the off chance that any of you have this experience of.
[00:07:32] Speaker B: Clenching on to anything that will make.
[00:07:36] Speaker A: Life feel a bit more comfortable or secure or put the odds more in.
[00:07:41] Speaker B: Your favor, I thought it would be.
[00:07:44] Speaker A: Helpful to walk through some of this stuff and listen.
I might rub some of you the wrong way today.
I can't deny that I might oversimplify some situations here, but you're listening to a 40 minutes podcast. You're not listening to a semester long course, so I'll do the best I can, and I hope that you can be gracious and understanding and compassionate toward.
[00:08:20] Speaker B: Me if a point I make feels like a slap to you, because I'm.
[00:08:31] Speaker A: Going to try to shake as many listeners by the shoulders as I can, I want to give you food for thought because this has completely altered the level of serenity in my life.
[00:08:52] Speaker B: I'm not perfect.
[00:08:54] Speaker A: Things still get under my skin. But I got to say, my life is so calm and peaceful today.
[00:09:03] Speaker B: And.
[00:09:03] Speaker A: I want to continue down that path. And I hope that by sharing some of these observations of mine, they might inspire you to do your own thinking. Not to take my word for it, but to do your own thinking, to do your own observations of life. Where are you scrounging for crumbs when there's an entire banquet waiting at the.
[00:09:27] Speaker B: Next table 10ft away?
[00:09:29] Speaker A: Where are you on your hands and knees under an old used dining table looking for crumbs when there is an.
[00:09:37] Speaker B: Enormous buffet sitting right there waiting for you?
[00:09:41] Speaker A: It's just for you.
[00:09:43] Speaker B: And I say this because it was just for me.
[00:09:49] Speaker A: It was placed there by God, source, universe, whatever. It was placed there for me, and I couldn't see it because I was just scratching and scrounging for scraps.
So how do I know if I'm clenching? How do I know if I'm clenching onto something in life to control what my life looks like? First of all, I have to acknowledge that I can't control my life. I can't control anything. I can't control that my heart is going to beat. I can't control that my lungs will take in air. I can't control my blood pressure. I can't control my hunger. I can't control when I have to go to the bathroom. I can't control when the next bus comes. I can't control if my boss is in a good mood today. I can't control whether I'm loved or hated by others.
This is out of my control. And in the past, I didn't believe that.
I truly believed that all of that was under my control. It just required mastery. It required effort and mastery and that effort, that gritting of the teeth and that working my fingers to the bone to try to master this, that is clenching.
[00:11:10] Speaker B: Today, it's so much easier to realize that.
[00:11:15] Speaker A: I don't know if my heart will take another beat. I don't know if I'll be able.
[00:11:18] Speaker B: To breathe in in my next breath.
[00:11:20] Speaker A: I don't know if the next bus is coming, and I don't know if somebody likes me or not.
[00:11:25] Speaker B: I can't know that.
[00:11:27] Speaker A: All I can do is show up moment by moment, be as present as I can, and be willing to receive what the universe pours out on me.
[00:11:37] Speaker B: Without holding on to it.
[00:11:39] Speaker A: Let it flow through. Let it flow in. Let it flow out. Give it to the next person.
So, how do I know if I'm clenching right? How do you know if you're clenching? Well, here's how you know what parts.
[00:11:53] Speaker B: Of life are uncomfortable for you?
[00:11:58] Speaker A: What parts of life are uncomfortable for you, and here's why I would direct you to look at animals. Look at the animal kingdom.
So, obviously, animals can be conditioned to have anxieties and stress, just like humans. But outside of those situations where an animal has been abused or a situation like that, animals generally have a fairly low tolerance for discomfort.
If a cat doesn't like you, they will not put up with you. If a dog doesn't want to play, it will walk away.
[00:12:38] Speaker B: It will not just sit there and be pestered.
[00:12:43] Speaker A: A bird will not just put up with discomfort. It will fix it. Because animals are 100% present. Time does not exist.
Animals are present in the moment. And so the idea that they need to control something that might happen next, that's not even a thing.
So I love taking my cues from the animal kingdom when it comes to following my instincts, not blindly, not blindly applying right judgment and following my instincts.
[00:13:27] Speaker B: At the same time.
[00:13:28] Speaker A: So what parts of my life are uncomfortable? Well, that discomfort is the most loving source of my wisdom. Speaking up. The stress, the anxiety, the frustration, these are warning signs. These are like emotional, psychic, spiritual, mental toothaches.
These are toothaches that are trying to tell me something's wrong and now's the.
[00:13:55] Speaker B: Time to fix it.
[00:13:56] Speaker A: Now's the time to fix it before it becomes severe. So if I feel anxious around something.
[00:14:02] Speaker B: In my life, and it's not just.
[00:14:04] Speaker A: A one off situation, that's a toothache.
If somebody that I'm spending a lot of time with brings my life down, that's a toothache.
That's my instincts for survival and thriving, saying, go.
Don't put up with this.
Well, what does that even mean? What does that even imply for what life looks like?
What would life look like if I actually listened to my intuition saying, this job hurts? Leave now.
Don't give three weeks notice. Leave.
[00:14:51] Speaker B: Walk out.
[00:14:53] Speaker A: What would life look like if I did that?
[00:14:56] Speaker B: What would life look like if I realized I've been unhappy having a certain.
[00:15:04] Speaker A: Person in my life for years.
For years. But I stay because of obligation. I stay because what would people think? I stay because it's my job. I stay because it's family. I stay because it's my brother and I have to. I stay because no one else is going to take care of my elderly father. I stay because no one else can do it. So I have to. And if I don't, I'm a bad person.
[00:15:34] Speaker B: Okay, maybe.
[00:15:37] Speaker A: I don't know.
[00:15:37] Speaker B: I can't say yes or no.
But what would it look like if.
[00:15:43] Speaker A: You followed your gut? We've all seen a million movies where there are two siblings and one accepts the burden to stay and take care of an elderly, toxic parent and the other goes, live a life.
And we all know how that movie plays out. We all know the resentment. We all know that scene where that responsible quote kid says, I stayed.
[00:16:08] Speaker B: Where were you? Okay, you stayed.
[00:16:11] Speaker A: Beautiful service. Beautiful service you offered to our parent. Beautiful service you offered to the universe. And if you are maimed by that experience.
[00:16:25] Speaker B: Was it worth it?
[00:16:26] Speaker A: I don't know. Maybe.
So we have these toothaches, we have these warning signs that something's off. And here's what I've done. So maybe you don't do this. Maybe you're smarter than me. But here's what I did. I clenched down harder. If work didn't feel good, I isolated the variables and I worked harder. What's wrong? What's okay? This person doesn't like me. I need to make sure that I don't inflame this situation. I need to make sure that this person is going to eventually come to see me in a positive light. So here's how I'm going to do that. I'm going to go tell them. I'm going to Starbucks and ask them if they want me to pick something up. I'm going to remember that it's their birthday and put a card in their mailbox. I'm going do all of this stuff. Not out of joy, not out of a spirit of generosity and loving and.
[00:17:18] Speaker B: Giving, but out of a sense of.
[00:17:20] Speaker A: Fear that if I don't do it, life is going to be bad. Okay, so I'll do that, right? I clench down harder.
And before long I am desperately trying to win a game that I don't even want to play on the soul level, right? On my intuitive level, I don't want to play this game.
[00:17:47] Speaker B: It sucks.
[00:17:49] Speaker A: Yet I am determined to stay and win it.
[00:17:54] Speaker B: For what reason?
[00:17:57] Speaker A: Why on earth?
Only you can answer that the trick is saying, you know what?
[00:18:04] Speaker B: I'm not going to play this game anymore.
It's not fun.
[00:18:10] Speaker A: I'm going to go play a game that feels nourishing, that feels satisfying.
I'm going to go play a different game. Whether that is a different job, whether that is a different relationship, whether that is a different way of life.
But why don't we do that?
[00:18:28] Speaker B: Right?
[00:18:28] Speaker A: Because we all have these messages. What do you think the anxiety is trying to tell you? What do you think the frustration or.
[00:18:38] Speaker B: The sense of living like a zombie.
[00:18:42] Speaker A: On autopilot for a decade? What do you think that means? Right? Like, what do you think that means? And again, I'm making assumptions that my experience.
[00:18:52] Speaker B: Is also being experienced by others.
[00:18:57] Speaker A: And so this may not be the case for you, and so I totally acknowledge that. But I'm doing this because if in the off chance you are experiencing what I did, I want to wake you up.
I want to hug you and hold.
[00:19:15] Speaker B: You and say, it's okay. It's okay.
[00:19:20] Speaker A: You can do what your innermost loving self is asking you to do. You can do it.
[00:19:26] Speaker B: You can do it.
[00:19:27] Speaker A: You deserve it. No one else will do it. Only you can do it.
[00:19:31] Speaker B: And if you don't do it, it's still okay.
It's still okay.
[00:19:41] Speaker A: So why don't we do it?
[00:19:43] Speaker B: Well, in my opinion, and maybe you.
[00:19:46] Speaker A: Have some other ideas, too, we don't do it because we want the security of a well worn path.
[00:19:52] Speaker B: Right.
[00:19:52] Speaker A: A well worn path that society says works. So, yeah, I go back to the job because I feel like it's a relatively easy to understand example and relationships, marriages, things like that. There's some more emotional baggage that might rub you the wrong way. So let's just play with jobs for now.
So why don't I leave the job? That feels bad.
Well, I want the 401. I need to be able to retire.
I make good money. I'm not going to make as much money at the next place.
My kids are getting older. They're going to start thinking about driving soon. I have to help them get a car.
I don't even know about college. That's just too far. I can't even think about that yet. But I'm also in debt. I've been paying off debt forever. I really want to get out of debt.
These are the reasons that I stay. I stay in the job that doesn't feel good to accomplish those things.
[00:20:55] Speaker B: And those things are wonderful.
[00:20:59] Speaker A: They're wonderful. Please hear me.
I am not criticizing you.
If the only option that feels real is to stay in a life that feels uncomfortable. There's no judgment. I'm not calling you a coward. I'm not saying you're weak. I'm not saying any of that.
[00:21:25] Speaker B: I love your journey.
It inspires me.
It inspires other people.
You are perfect.
[00:21:34] Speaker A: You are innocent. You are innocent.
[00:21:39] Speaker B: There is no wrong.
And at the same time, it's a bad deal.
[00:21:51] Speaker A: It is not the best deal out there for most people. For most people, I can't talk. For everybody living a life that feels like crud because I'm scared of not contributing to the 401K. Because I'm scared that I won't be able to move out of this crummy apartment. Because I'm scared that my kids won't have a car. Because I'm scared that I can't give the type of Christmas presents that other parents are going to be giving. Because I'm scared that my kids will be a failure if they don't go to a certain type of college. And I have to be able to pay that. I have to be able to carry the burden of that on my shoulders because I need to be able to pay for my retirement home when I'm older. No one's going to be there. So. So security is not going to be there. My kids aren't going to take care of me. I have to do it. I have to do it.
[00:22:43] Speaker B: I have to do it. Okay.
But here's what I'll say.
[00:22:54] Speaker A: Making the life you have today miserable for the chance of not being miserable later is a bad deal.
[00:23:05] Speaker B: You're trading reality for a hypothetical outcome.
[00:23:14] Speaker A: How many rich people do you know who are just dark, heavy, awful people?
The financial security doesn't fix it.
Being able to put yourself in an amazing luxury retirement home doesn't fix it. It does not make your life feel good.
Go into a luxury retirement home and tell me if those people look like life feels good.
[00:23:44] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:23:45] Speaker A: Well, surely they're better than the people in a state run place.
[00:23:48] Speaker B: Is that true?
[00:23:49] Speaker A: Can you really know that?
If you did a poll in both and tried to gauge the happiness, would you really know that? Could you know that for sure?
So you can't know that for sure.
It seems logical. So we're willing to put our eggs in that basket.
[00:24:11] Speaker B: And we're willing to.
[00:24:12] Speaker A: Sacrifice our comfort now in hopes that we won't be in discomfort later.
That's a bad deal. You deserve better than that. I deserved better than that.
And I refused to give better than that to myself for well over a decade.
[00:24:46] Speaker B: Listen, I am really sensitive to preaching at people.
[00:24:55] Speaker A: I hope that if you are someone who is struggling to make it day to day and you're doing everything you can to take care of your amazing, brilliant, loving, kind hearted kids, and.
[00:25:11] Speaker B: I.
[00:25:12] Speaker A: Hope I don't hurt your feelings and I hope I don't make you feel diminished.
[00:25:18] Speaker B: You are totally, beautifully innocent, doing the.
[00:25:25] Speaker A: Best you can.
[00:25:28] Speaker B: And.
[00:25:31] Speaker A: You sign up.
[00:25:35] Speaker B: For this path.
[00:25:37] Speaker A: It's a totally valid path, but you sign up for it because your highest source of wisdom is saying, stop, please stop.
Don't make me go there. Don't make me do that.
That's the message we're getting from the insides.
And so.
[00:26:05] Speaker B: It'S like we're in a.
[00:26:07] Speaker A: Storm that's swirling around us and I can't see. I can't see past the wall of rain and wind, right? Everything is gray. And so because I can't see, I sit down and I'm like, surely the storm is going to pass. I'm just going to sit here and I'm just going to wait it out and the rain and the hail and the wind, and it beats on me, and it beats on me and it beats on me hour after hour after day after week after month after year, when if I just stood up and walked in a straight line for a.
[00:26:42] Speaker B: While, I would be out of the storm.
[00:26:51] Speaker A: That's what I'm trying, that's what I've seen.
[00:26:56] Speaker B: And that's what I'm trying to.
[00:26:59] Speaker A: Encourage other people to think about, think about just on the off chance that it might be helpful. And if it's not, if this is a unique experience to me, discard it, throw it away, call me insensitive, say.
[00:27:13] Speaker B: I'm a weirdo, put me out on the fringes.
[00:27:16] Speaker A: I understand. I totally understand that there are three ways, three categories of stances in life as I was trying to flesh out this episode that I thought of that.
[00:27:35] Speaker B: Are applicable to this.
[00:27:37] Speaker A: I mean, there are certainly more ways, but these, I think, are big, easy.
[00:27:41] Speaker B: To chew on concepts.
[00:27:44] Speaker A: Stress at work. We've talked about that life sucking relationships, whether they are romantic relationships, friendships, siblings, toxic family members, neighbors, coworkers, whatever.
And then the third is ideologies.
[00:28:07] Speaker B: The.
[00:28:07] Speaker A: Ideologies that we hold on to because we believe in the goodness and the values behind the ideologies, and therefore we rail against anything that is not that ideology because we feel that if we don't, we're not being a good person.
So let's look at these three.
Stress at work. I talked about this, right? So I'm just going to kind of freestyle for a minute. I'm just going to roll through this, right? Okay, so let's look. Stress at work, my job, my job.
[00:28:42] Speaker B: My job makes my life miserable.
[00:28:44] Speaker A: I can't leave. I can't make money doing what I love. Yeah, there are things I would love to do. Yeah, it would be great to go work in a movie theater all day and not have the pressure, but I can't feed my family off of that. Yeah, I would love to go play in a band at local weddings and stuff, but I can't put my kids to college on that. Like, I can't make ends meet doing what I love.
[00:29:06] Speaker B: Is that true?
[00:29:09] Speaker A: Is that true? Maybe it is true.
Maybe it is true.
But can we talk about how much money we really need?
Can we talk about that certain dollar amount that we say we have to have in order to feel secure? Where does that money come from? Where does that dollar amount come from? Do we really need that much? Why do we need that much?
Is it that our happiness in life depends on that? Or is it that our ego needs it? Is it that if I don't provide a car for my kid, I'm a bad parent and I don't want my kid to hate me?
I don't want to make my kid have to suffer. I don't want my kid to have to struggle because I had to struggle? Is it because if I don't put my kid in college, my kid won't have a successful life?
Is it because if I don't buy the type of gifts that other people are buying their kids, my kid is.
[00:30:08] Speaker B: Going to feel different and maybe will.
[00:30:12] Speaker A: Be at a social disadvantage? But can I know these things are true?
Can I really, really know they're true? I recognize that these things seem sound, they seem logical. I hear it. I know I'm not crazy, but what I'm saying is, just because we believe that, it seems logical, is it true? Look how many people went to college and can't get a job? It seems really logical, really logical that if you want a job, going to college will fix that. And that is not necessarily true. So my urging to you is to question these blind beliefs that have driven your life and say, is it really true?
Or is that the typical societal path?
And is there another path that also takes into account me, what makes me tick, what drives me in life?
Can my kid live a happy life even if we don't have much money?
[00:31:27] Speaker B: Is that possible?
Lots of kids are in homes that.
[00:31:34] Speaker A: Don'T have a lot of money.
It's about the quality of the parents. It's not about the size of the bank account.
And here's what I got to tell you. If you are making your life miserable to buy a hypothetical future for your family, but you're giving your family a really uncomfortable life today because you're not a good person to be around, I.
[00:32:01] Speaker B: Wonder, is that trade off worth it?
[00:32:06] Speaker A: Maybe it is. Maybe it is.
[00:32:09] Speaker B: I can't tell you your values, but.
[00:32:12] Speaker A: I'm saying it's worth considering if you fall into that category.
So what about my family is depending on me? I can't just do something like this.
[00:32:26] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:32:27] Speaker A: Of course we're going to support our family.
Just ask yourself what's really true.
Ask yourself, ask your kids.
Ask trusted friends.
Then do whatever is best for you.
So then there's these relationships. We've been together for years.
[00:32:57] Speaker B: I can't just walk away.
[00:32:59] Speaker A: We've both poured years and years into this.
[00:33:01] Speaker B: I can't just quit.
[00:33:05] Speaker A: What so many people in our culture see as love is really a fear based attachment.
So let's freestyle again. This person makes me feel sexy. So I need to feel sexy. I don't like it when I don't feel sexy. So I need this person to be around me.
This person makes me feel worthwhile, makes me feel funny, makes me feel valuable. This person makes me feel secure. I need to feel funny. I need to feel valuable. I need to feel desired. I need to feel worthwhile, so I need this person around me. This is a primary need. This person is filling a primary need.
This person makes me feel stable. I feel like I'm part of a family unit. I feel like I fit into society because I am in this type of household. If I'm not in this type of household, I'm on the fringes of society. That indicates I'm not successful, that indicates I'm not lovable. That indicates I've failed.
I need to feel like I'm successful. I need to feel like I fit into society. I need to feel like I'm not a failure at love. The most basic human experience. So, yeah, I can't leave. I got to stay here. I got to stay here. I can't walk away.
My kids need us to stay together. I can't divorce. If we divorce, what's going to happen to my kids? My kids aren't going to be okay. It's going to stunt their emotional growth. It's going to damage them. I can't leave this marriage. You know what? It's only eight years until the kids are out of the house. It's going to be okay. If we wait to them, I can wait to them. I can tolerate this.
[00:34:47] Speaker B: It's okay.
[00:34:47] Speaker A: It's not that bad. We're not hitting each other.
[00:34:53] Speaker B: It's just empty. But it's not that bad. It's not that bad.
[00:34:58] Speaker A: I can wait it out.
[00:35:00] Speaker B: The kids need us to wait it out.
[00:35:05] Speaker A: I can't leave this person. I'm old. I'm fat now. I gained weight. I am not the hot ticket I used to be. Nobody wants to be with me anymore. I can't just go to a bar and pick up someone. How am I going to replace this person when I leave? This person provides for me. This person tells me I'm good.
I don't love this person anymore. But this person fills so many other important needs for me. Who's going to wipe my behind when I'm an old person? Who's going to take care of me when the kids move to Europe? Who's going to be there for me? No one's going to be there for me. I'm too old. I'm going to be alone.
[00:35:47] Speaker B: I can tolerate this.
[00:35:49] Speaker A: It's not that bad. It's not that bad. It's really okay.
At this point, we just need to be friends.
We just need to be able to take care of each other.
The question is.
The question is.
[00:36:16] Speaker B: Were you born for.
[00:36:18] Speaker A: A life that's not that bad?
I wasn't. I don't believe I was. I believe that I was born for a life of magnificence.
And in the past two or three years since I have embarked on this.
[00:36:35] Speaker B: Journey of listening to my intuition, I.
[00:36:40] Speaker A: Have had the most extraordinary, luxurious, exhilarating life.
[00:36:50] Speaker B: And I lost my societal security.
[00:36:55] Speaker A: I lost my financial nest egg.
[00:36:58] Speaker B: I lost my pretty home.
[00:37:02] Speaker A: That's what I lost. But what I got is beauty and adventure and excitement.
What I got was heart satisfaction.
[00:37:18] Speaker B: That's what I got.
[00:37:21] Speaker A: The question is, why is it so horrible to imagine myself growing old alone? Why is that so bad? Lots of people are alone in their old age, and they're fine with it. Priests and nuns and all types of people grow old alone, and they're fine with it. So why is it going to be so bad for me? Why am I going to live a dark, empty life? Because I'm not married in my true that no one will take care of me? Is it true that I won't be able to get taken care of? Is it true? I don't know.
[00:37:51] Speaker B: Lots of people have people that take care of them.
[00:37:59] Speaker A: Maybe that wasn't your first choice in the catalog, but was it your first choice in the catalog to live a life that is on autopilot and that's lukewarm or that is tolerable? Was that your first choice?
So are we going to trade living a lukewarm life so that we don't.
[00:38:18] Speaker B: Have to go into a home for.
[00:38:20] Speaker A: The last few years of our life?
[00:38:22] Speaker B: I don't know.
To me, if the problem is that.
[00:38:30] Speaker A: I can't be alone, I can fix that. I can heal that. I can go to therapy. I can say, help me. I'm terrified to be alone. I can work on that now. I can heal that. The solution does not need to be in a life that doesn't fit for the rest of my life.
I owe it to myself to give myself a chance to feel my heart surge with love and passion and joy.
[00:39:00] Speaker B: That's what I deserve.
[00:39:01] Speaker A: I believe all of us deserve it because we are all innocent, even the darkest of us. We're just doing the best we can to try to make ourselves feel okay for the moment.
The sane path forward is to listen to what my intuition is telling me.
Heal the wounds.
[00:39:23] Speaker B: Heal the wounds that are acute and.
[00:39:28] Speaker A: Step into a free life.
And what about ideologies?
You know.
[00:39:38] Speaker B: Does it?
[00:39:39] Speaker A: Does it really listen?
I know how sensitive of a topic this is. I know that.
[00:39:51] Speaker B: I know.
[00:39:52] Speaker A: I went through it, and I feel the same way. I have ideological ties. I have political ties. I have these things. I used to be an activist. I used to work for a super pac.
I understand, okay?
But here's how it went for me. I have to stand up to this. I have to save others. If I don't do it, who will do it? I am privileged. I have opportunities. I can do this, other people can't. I have to step up. I have to fill the space. I have to save others.
I have to stand up for those with no voice. I have to stand against the people who are taking advantage. I have to step up against evil. I have to do it, because if.
[00:40:39] Speaker B: I don't, who will?
[00:40:43] Speaker A: Is any of that really, really true?
[00:40:55] Speaker B: Here's another way to look at it.
[00:41:02] Speaker A: I can follow my heart. I can follow my values. I can do service when it's called for. I can vote when I feel called to vote. I can support initiatives that I feel are worthy of support. I can show up and volunteer. I can do all of these things from a place of love, from a place of service.
But the minute my identity becomes attached.
[00:41:29] Speaker B: The minute I feel like the people who don't think like me on this are bad.
[00:41:40] Speaker A: That's when it's my ego. That's when it's my ego. Right? This is the clue. This is the toothache. This is the toothache.
This is the toothache.
This is the sign that your ego is pulling strings here. Your identity is wrapped up in it.
[00:42:08] Speaker B: I'm sorry if I'm. If I'm sorry if I'm upsetting people.
I understand. I really do.
[00:42:24] Speaker A: But the way that I can save others today is not by carrying a sign that's not whose life can be saved by carrying a sign out in front of the White House.
Is that the most effective thing I.
[00:42:43] Speaker B: Can do with my life?
[00:42:46] Speaker A: Or can I take loving action?
Can I offer my treasure and my.
[00:42:53] Speaker B: Time and my talent to causes that.
[00:42:56] Speaker A: I think are beautiful?
Can I step away from the muck and live the most peaceful, glorious, glowing life possible?
And then when someone next to me, who is down in the dirt and who's so dark says, how are you so happy?
I can say because I stepped away from the fight.
I stepped away from the fight. You see, I still contribute.
I still do my part. I still follow my heart. But I stepped away from the fight.
And now I realize that I don't need to feel like my identity is.
[00:43:45] Speaker B: Attacked because of X or Y or Z.
[00:43:52] Speaker A: Yes, it looks like my identity was attacked because a certain law was passed.
Yes, it looks like my identity was attacked because the person in office doesn't value me as a human. Yeah, I understand. I see that. But in reality, I don't need to.
[00:44:10] Speaker B: Play that game, because the people around.
[00:44:14] Speaker A: Me in my life love me. The people around me in my life care, and they insulate me from whatever darkness is floating out there. And as I shine my light as brightly as I can, I pull other people towards me who want to shine their light. And together we shine bright. And when we shine bright, there is no room for all of that mess.
[00:44:38] Speaker B: It might affect other people, but you.
[00:44:41] Speaker A: Are not here to save them, to save themselves. All they need to do is go inside, listen to their intuition, step away from the fight, and go live a beautiful life.
Doesn't mean they're going to be rich. It doesn't mean they're going to get into Harvard. It doesn't mean that there won't be struggle. It doesn't mean that loved ones won't die. It doesn't mean that there isn't a lack of justice.
But it means that doesn't need to be the hallmarks of my life.
I can surround myself with light.
[00:45:17] Speaker B: And.
[00:45:17] Speaker A: The darkness doesn't come when I'm surrounded by light.
I know that that sounds Pollyanna. I know that that sounds woo woo and all of that, but I'm telling.
[00:45:27] Speaker B: You, I'm telling you.
[00:45:33] Speaker A: This is how a loving God of compassion works.
You can fly over that storm. You don't need to bump through it.
And so the point of this episode is to realize that I am a serial clencher. And I wonder if you feel that way, too. I clench. We clench on anything that we think will make life a little bit better. And again, we are beautifully, perfectly innocent because all we're doing is seeking love. All we're doing is seeking peace. All we're doing is seeking to get through a day and not feel like everything is on fire.
We're doing whatever we can to put some medicine on our raw, burning nerves.
[00:46:21] Speaker B: This is why we steal, because it.
[00:46:25] Speaker A: Puts a little medicine on the raw, burning nerves. This is why we cheat.
This is why we return the attention of someone that we find attractive, even if we're in a relationship, because it puts a little bit of medicine on the raw, burning nerves that we haven't been willing to feel.
[00:46:45] Speaker B: We've numbed it down, and it's like.
[00:46:49] Speaker A: Low level burning 24 hours a day.
And the only time we realize is when something pours water on it for a second and we're like, oh, wow, that's amazing. I need that.
This is why we maim our bodies with diets and with binging and with plastic surgery.
[00:47:15] Speaker B: This is why we hurt ourself with eating disorders.
This is why.
[00:47:29] Speaker A: We go into debt to have the wardrobe that we think will make us feel better.
This is why we buy the shoes we can't afford.
This is why we hurt the people we love.
This is why we snap at the coworker that we think needs to work harder, because it makes us feel like things aren't going to spiral out of.
[00:47:51] Speaker B: Control if only I step in. This is why we are innocent.
[00:47:56] Speaker A: We're only trying to soothe the raw, burning nerves.
And in reality, the sane way to respond to that is to let ourselves start to heal and to follow our intuition. Our most high loving wisdom that comes.
[00:48:16] Speaker B: From inside, that guides us into a.
[00:48:19] Speaker A: Life of peace, joy, fulfillment, and serenity. This is what I try to do with people as a coach. This is what I try to walk people through. This is what I try to help people see. You are the savior you've been waiting for.
I am the savior I was waiting for.
And ironically, it's not through clenching and biting and clawing and grabbing and clamping that I fix this situation. It's by letting go.
It's by recognizing that I don't pull any of the strings.
I don't breathe. I am being breathed.
[00:49:04] Speaker B: I don't beat my heart.
[00:49:07] Speaker A: My heart is beating.
I don't control these things.
And we do it because we are hurting humans who are just too nervous to find our way out of the storm.
And the way out is in this is what every religious teacher has been trying to tell you. This is what every sacred writing has told you for ages. Go inside.
Find out the truth. The truth will set you free. Find out what's true. What is true. Do I really need to do that? Does everything really depend on me providing xYz? Do I really need to make my life look this way to feel okay? Do I really need to walk through this pain every day for the rest of my life? Because otherwise I'm a failure? Is that really true? Go inside. Find what's true.
And when you find what's true, heal enough.
[00:50:12] Speaker B: Through love, through other people, through therapy.
[00:50:15] Speaker A: However, it needs to happen to stop seeking to comfort yourself through external power, external security, financial security, prestige. This is external power. Your power comes from within. Comfort yourself through your internal security of knowing what's real, knowing what's not real, and no longer playing the game that you don't even enjoy playing. That's where your power is. Seeing what is mythology. Recognizing the mythology that has driven our lives.
Recognizing the mythology that has driven our decisions into a place of constant pain for countless people.
It's not too late to see. It's not too late to see. And I know because I've been through it.
It's not too late to give yourself the luxury of self love. And it is not too late to give yourself the luxury of freedom and serenity.
And it is not too late to stop clenching.
[00:51:25] Speaker B: Aim your light.
[00:51:27] Speaker A: Thanks for listening.
You've been listening to refractive podcast and this is Johnny G. If you found today's content uplifting, if you think it might make somebody's day better, give it a share on social media, click like subscribe. All those things help to expand this podcast availability to new audiences. I'm a speaker, a coach, and a facilitator based out of Washington, D. C. But I travel a lot. If you think I can be of service to you or to your organization, help people get unstuck or move into their authentic power, shoot me an email. My email address is
[email protected] take care. Thanks for listening. And aim your light.
