If I'm Angry with You, the Problem Is Me

Blaming and judging seem almost required to play the game of life, but the truth is that if I’m angry with you, the problem is me. Host Johnny G looks at a powerful spiritual axiom: whenever we are upset by the wrongs of another, there is a wrong in us also.

Contact host Johnny G at [email protected], or visit www.refractivecoaching.com for more information.

For similarly-themed episodes, try Making Peace with Your Dark Side, How the 12 Steps Can Help Anyone Heal, or From Addiction to Self-Acceptance.

Find an episode transcript below:

Hello. Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of Refractive. I’m Johnny G. I was talking with a friend a few weeks ago about the space race we have today between billionaires, how Richard Branson and Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk went into this competition to see who can conquer space and how crazy it seemed that only a few decades ago, it was the world’s superpowers that were behind a space race and that today it feels like individual wealthy people can now accomplish the same things that it took countries to accomplish before. And you know, it’s easy for me to be upset about that.

In fact, I was pretty disturbed by the thought of so much wealth being concentrated in the hands of a person when there are so many people who struggle. Now, as I thought, this thought and as I’m talking with my friend and complaining about these other people, you know, I realize that when I consider my spiritual values and the path that I’m on, these feelings of alarm and frustration and resentment towards these men. This doesn’t really jive with my spiritual state right now. I don’t agree with being upset about that kind of thing. It no longer serves me to wind up my anger over the behaviors of another person.

Yet here I am, falling into that behavioral pattern. And as I was having this conversation, I decided to take a look within, you know, what’s really going on here? Why am I really upset about this?

What is being triggered inside of me? What’s causing me to point the finger out at someone else? And, you know, in the moment of the conversation, I couldn’t come up with exactly what it might be, but I spent some time thinking about it after the fact, and I realized that there are a couple of characteristics in myself that rise to the surface when I think of this situation. There’s the idea that I have worked very hard and have wanted to be rewarded financially, and I have not achieved the wealth in my life that I one time had wanted.

“And there is a disappointment around there that I worked, worked, worked and I still didn’t quite make it financially. And then there’s another part of me that wants to point my finger at these guys and say, “What are you doing to solve these issues in the world?”” When in reality, I know that I’m not doing a whole lot to resolve these issues in the world. So if I want them to do their part, what is my part and what am I doing to work towards income equality and accessibility of opportunities in all of this type of stuff that I am claiming that they contribute to as well?

So there are quite a few areas of my own behavior that need some healing and need some attention. And it, in my opinion, is the universe/ God/ Source. It is this opportunity to allow the anger, the resentment to rise up in me as a signpost, saying there’s healing to do inside of you.

There are some things that need attention and that’s where I find the love and the value in the moment of getting upset about what other people are doing. Now, if you’ve listened to Refractive, you know that I am a member of some recovery communities and in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, there is a quote and I want to share that quote with you right now. It says: “It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also.”

Now, this is something that is really central to the inner work that people do if they enter the world of twelve step recovery, it’s an important part of coming to terms with our relationship with the world. And I find that this really, truly fits the definition of an axiom.

When you think of the word axiom, it’s a statement that is always true. And so I look at the spiritual axiom of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I’m just fascinated by how powerful, how simple, how accurate, how universal it is. And in that one quote, there is so much potential to unlock a world of pain and shame and and resentment and anger and awkwardness and fear inside of each of us – inside of me. I don’t even need to speak for you.

I can only speak for me and tell you that when it comes to myself, that spiritual axiom, when I am upset by what someone else has done, there is something at fault in me also.

I am at fault also. And so, you know, I wanted to share this on an episode of Refractive because I do think that a concept like this has the potential to really make a difference in the lives of a lot of people.

Now there’s a couple of, let’s say, sensitive points that I can imagine people having when they when they look at this reaction. You know, first of all, we say, well, wait a minute. Like what happens about atrocities and where I am truly a victim of another person’s bad behavior. What about when I am innocently attacked? I think it serves as well to look at the wording of the spiritual axiom and realize that it is not saying that when something bad happens to me, it’s my fault.

That is not what it says. What it says is that when someone hurts me and I’m upset, there is something inside of me that is at fault also. So let’s take a look at what this could mean.

When I think about that space race example. The fact that Richard Branson, Elon Musk and you know, these billionaires around the world are funneling money into go into space in this gentlemen’s competition against each other. That’s not my fault, right?

That’s not my fault. I did not cause that to happen. And really, there’s nothing wrong with these guys taking their money and spending it to go into space. There’s literally nothing wrong with that. It’s the implications of how they got to the position to be able to do it that is upsetting to me. It’s not that they are building rockets and flying into space. Now when I say, though, that it’s not my fault that this space race is not my doing. So what does it mean that I am at fault also?

Well, how about the fact that I am a loyal Amazon customer? So if I want to point the finger to Jeff Bezos and say shame on you for not doing something loftier with your money. Well, I continue to support Amazon, right?

I’m a Prime member. I probably buy something from Amazon at least once a month. So I have an Audible subscription and I download audiobooks all the time and I put my podcasts up on Amazon Music. So hold up before I want to say Jeff Bezos needs to do more.

Let’s scale that down to my personal impact and say, What am I doing? You know, maybe I can’t control the work lives and the career opportunities of thousands and thousands of Amazon employees. But there is a power that I have, and if I’m not taking responsibility for my place in the world and doing what is within my reach, then shame on me for holding another person to a standard that I’m not willing to observe myself. You know, I look at this and say, hold up.

This is the judgment game. The issue with this is that I don’t feel good about certain things in my life. I don’t feel good about certain decisions I’ve made. And if I can point the finger out at another person, then I can forget that deep down, I have some discomfort over my own path. I can feel superior, I can feel self-righteous. I can feel like a good person because the low level quiet guilt that I may have about my life gets drowned out by the outrage I feel towards another person.

And so again, this comes down to- not fault, per se- it doesn’t come down to blame. And this certainly has nothing to do with victim blaming. It has to do with: I have fallen short of the ideals that I am ready to hold other people accountable for.

And either I can raise myself up to that level of accountability, or I can lower my need for another to be accountable, to match the grace that I might be giving myself. That, to me, is the lesson for there.

So, you know, let’s look at another example of how the spiritual axiom. Can be put into use, let’s say that someone in a romantic relationship with me were to cheat on me. And I am hurt and upset about this.

Well, the spiritual axiom, let me read it again, word for word instead of paraphrasing. “It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also.”

OK, so if someone cheats on me and I’m upset, does that mean that I’m a cheater? Does that mean that I have cheated on that other person? Because it says “every time,” it doesn’t say most of the time.

This axiom says every time and it says we are in the wrong ALSO. But what if I’ve never cheated on a partner? What if I’ve never done that? You know, I feel like. This connects back to some things that Jesus said on the sermon on the Mount.

He talks about the concept of sin is not just physical action. And if we say sin, right, if we’re talking about the religious concept of sin, which is not necessarily something that I adhere to myself in the traditional sense, but let’s just kind of use Jesus’ teaching, which is one of my favorite favorite religious writings ever.

The sermon on the Mount. When Jesus says that when you commit adultery in your mind, you are committing adultery. We’re talking about energy management. We’re talking about energy management, right? Because we live in a world of energy.

We are energy. Our body is just dense energy. And so when we take the energy of thoughts and we direct that energy into a fantasy of some sort, we are not managing our energy appropriately. When I revel in the potential pleasure of a fantasy that is harmful, that lowers my vibration, that has the potential to hurt another person, that does not grow my light, but rather dims my light. Then I am also cheating. I’m also cheating, and I’m not going to get into the whole concept of, well, where does guilt lie with imaginary cheating compared to in person cheating- That’s that’s a topic for another day. But what I’m saying is that I have cheated as well in my heart. There are times where I have looked at an individual and fantasized or objectified an individual when I was with another person.

And so before I can get angry at someone for disrespecting me, why don’t I look at what I’m doing. It doesn’t mean that there is no justice, and I want to talk about justice, I want to talk about fairness, and I’ll come back to that in a minute.

But when I say, let me look at what I’m doing as I’m angry at other people, it means: Have I deceived a partner? Maybe I didn’t necessarily have inappropriate physical relations with another person, but when have I deceived a partner?

Have I spoken untruly, have I hid my feelings about something? Have I used a particular approach to get what I want, which is a form of lying and manipulation? Right. So where have I been less than honest and truthful?

Where have I been disrespectful to my partner? With my behavior, with my thoughts. With my words. And so let me realize that I have healing to do inside of myself. I have an opportunity to apply love and attention to healing my own issues.

And that has nothing to do with the other person except realizing that their behavior was a catalyst for a beautiful, compassionate signpost from my God, from the universe, from source, gently pointing out an opportunity for me to heal something of myself.

So. Where does that leave us? What does that imply? What does that mean for our appropriate reaction? Let’s talk about justice. What is just in a situation where we are attacked or we are cheated on or we are disrespected?

You see? As I study the spiritual axiom, the spiritual axiom, “Every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are, so we are wrong also.” As I study the spiritual axiom, I say that justice for this other person’s behavior against me has zero to do with my own peace. Seeking justice for wrongs done to me has nothing to do with the healing that I need to do in myself. So I want to make sure that my message for this, for this episode is clearly clearly outlined that when I say when we are upset by something someone else did, we are in the wrong also. It does not mean that we don’t need to show ourselves the respect of drawing boundaries, protecting ourselves, ensuring our safety, ensuring our dignity. Right? I’m not saying that the other person isn’t held accountable. What I’m saying it is ALSO an opportunity for us to heal ourselves and therefore the implication of this is that once we are healed in these ways, our serenity is not subject to the behaviors of others.

Once we heal ourselves in these ways, our serenity is not subject, does not depend on the behaviors of other people, and this is what Buddhism means, at least in my take when Buddhism says that nothing, nothing can disturb us externally.

Nothing on the outside can disturb us once we have. realized the divinity within- once we have gotten still enough to heal all of the hurt and the damage and the splinters inside, then we are no longer subject to the pain, we are no longer subject to the distress, the emotional distress. So this is a really freeing concept. This is good news. This is good news. The good news is not that I am SO wrong also, the good news is that if I don’t want to be hurt by others. There is a clear path to ensuring that I don’t get hurt by others. It is being honest with myself looking inward at the places where there are opportunities for me to heal from my past.

This means looking openly with a willing heart at the places where I have been hypocritical. Looking at the places where I have committed murder in my mind, looking at the places where I have committed rape in my mind, looking at the places where I have cheated, lied, stolen in my mind as well. And the hurtful things that I may have done physically to other people. And by examining the places in my mind where that ego lives and thrives, where my comfort, my sense of satisfaction is justification for taking what I want from others, from doing what I want with others, I’m saying whatever I may want to say to others. When I’m able to acknowledge that part of myself, not only do I heal myself in stopping from being subject to the pain from others, but I stop creating pain for others as well. When I feel the inside of me where that ego based

deception lives, I’m no longer subject to pain from others, and I am no longer the source of pain for others. I do no harm. I do no harm to myself. And I do no harm to others. This is such good news.

What an amazing opportunity. What a wonderful gift for us to be able to go in and decide- it is a decision for us to decide how delicate. are we willing to be in the world when it relates to other people? How much pain do I need to accept from other people? How much will my serenity depend on the behaviors, actions, words, thoughts, beliefs of others? And am I ready to look inside? Where I may have fallen short of my ideals.

And begin the process of healing. Reclaim my place of peace. And shine brightly out into the world in a way that is beyond the reach of the darkness of ego. That is the good news of the spiritual axiom.

As you go out into the world, my friends, make sure that you look for the light all around you, see the goodness in others, and do no harm. And always remember to aim your light. Take care.