How the 12 Steps Can Help Anyone Heal and Grow featuring Phil Reese

Speaker 0 00:00:02 Ever since you can remember, you felt something in your chest telling you to move, to love, to speak, to try day after day. You pretend you don't hear calling. Maybe you dismiss it as silliness or worse that it's there ready for you, and we'll wait for you. And as long as you, my name is Johnny G and I invite you to join me on a journey of awakening. As we dare to embrace our light. This is refractive. Speaker 1 00:00:45 Good afternoon, everybody. And welcome to another episode of refractive podcast. Today. I have a good friend of mine joining us to talk about a topic that's near and dear to both of our hearts. I am pleased to introduce you to Phil Reese. He's the host of the whole field podcast. He is also a DJ and a web developer based out of Washington, DC. How are you doing today? Speaker 2 00:01:10 I'm wonderful. How are you? Good. Speaker 1 00:01:13 So happy that you're on refractive. It just, it, uh, it's going to be some really nice quality content today. Speaker 2 00:01:21 Awesome. I'm excited too. Speaker 1 00:01:24 Yes. And when you and I were planning the episode, we decided to talk about something that's near and dear to both of our hearts. Uh, it is the process of being in recovery and the wisdom that people in recovery are given by, uh, the literature and the traditions. Um, and by working the 12 steps and so many times, because my listeners know I'm in recovery and now they know you're in recovery. So many, uh, so many times I've said to other people in recovery, boy, I just wish everyone had access to some of the tools and wisdom that we have access to because it's truly life changing. Speaker 2 00:02:14 Absolutely. I completely agree. Um, you know, uh, for, for most of my life, I kind of felt like everybody else in the world had like this owner's manual for life and I, I didn't get one. And, uh, and I kind of got that owner's manual for life once I, uh, started doing 12 step recovery. Yeah, Speaker 1 00:02:37 Absolutely. So what, what do you say? We'll just jump right in. Let's do it. So you and I kind of brainstorm a list of some of the nuggets of wisdom that have been most useful to us. And, um, on the top of the list, it's about surrendering and people who are listeners of a refractive podcast and also people who've enjoyed the aspects of your podcast. I'm sure that they're not, uh, they're not going to be surprised by the concept of surrendering and we call it in recovery, living life on life's terms. So what has your experience with that philosophy of life on life's terms? How has that impacted you? Speaker 2 00:03:18 Oh my God. Well, it's not something that's ever come natural to me. Um, it's something I have to work on every single day, but when I do the benefits are, are amazing. Uh, let me tell you a quick story, you know, um, I'm kind of a, I'm a, I'm kind of a panicker. Um, and, um, when things go wrong, my, or when things don't go as planned, my head goes to catastrophe, um, a couple months ago because, uh, my day job is working for a university and we do graduations and I'm kind of in charge of recording those sorts of things and release, you know, publishing, promoting the recordings of those things. Um, we were doing our very first zoom graduations last may and, uh, things were going really well. I was really surprised at how well they were doing. Um, and then, uh, so we had to break up graduation to like five or six ceremonies, like ceremony, five, 15 minutes beforehand. Speaker 2 00:04:28 My power goes out, the whole neighborhood's power goes out. Right. And I'm supposed to be the one recording it, like, um, and so like old Phil would have totally panicked. Uh, if I didn't reach a solution, uh, quickly, which you really can't reach a solution very quickly when you're panicking. Um, I would have just gotten frustrated, given up, probably started drinking. Um, and I didn't do any of that. I, you know, at this point in may, my meditation practice had been pretty solid for awhile. And, um, I, uh, so I kind of, it, the power went out and it's not like I was like, oh, great, glad, but I was able to keep calm and serene and accept my power's out. Yeah. What now, what we didn't plan for this, but what, what can I do? Um, and, uh, I immediately contacted the president of the university, let her know what was going on and contacted my immediate supervisor and said, here's how you could record the ceremony for me and then send it to me afterwards. Speaker 2 00:05:52 Um, and, uh, and so he did, he got it recorded and it was fine. My power was restored within an hour. So by the next ceremony I was back to normal. Yeah. Um, but that's the sort of thing I would have just hit the wall over before. And so it's really important to, um, be mindful of practicing this all the time. Yeah. Because it gets rusty real fast. And because I was in a mindset already because I'd been really working in my meditation practice and I'd been working the, the, the, the philosophies and the program to, you know, to keep this front and center in my mind, I was able to accept it, surrender to the reality that I kept no control over. And, um, and then, uh, change, you know, my actions, the only thing I have control over my actions, thoughts and judgments change my ex actions accordingly. And it went fine. Speaker 1 00:07:00 Yeah. You know, I was raised in a way that led to me believing that I needed to be the master of my universe. And it wasn't just He-Man that taught me that. Right. Like it was, it was everything it was, if I don't, um, take control things will hurt me. And I even had been, let's say called out several times by friends for even approaching dating relationships in the same way I would approach a work problem, I would say, well, what do you do if you're having issue with someone you're dating, I would analyze the variables. I would remove the variables that aren't necessary. And then I would deal with the problems, um, individually in priority. And someone's like, wow, you can't approach a romantic relationship like that. Like, they're not your employee. You can't just fix problem a and problem be dismissed. Problem C. Speaker 1 00:08:06 And I was like, of course I can. That's how you're effective in life. And this was the way that I lived. And it's a painful way to live, which is counterintuitive. It feels like that is a, it feels like that's an organized, effective, smart way to live. But the fact is there's so little that we have control over that when we hang our entire day on being able to do a B and specifically C and they don't happen, it hurts. Right. So the concept of life on life's terms, as I've learned it through recovery, is that there's literally nothing you can control, but yourself, all you can do is show up and moment by moment analyze what's the next best thing for you to do? We call it right the next right. Action. What's the next right. Action. I can take in this time. And it's, it seems like, it seems so basic now that I say it, but it was revolutionary for me. How about you? Like, did it feel like, um, major shift in how you approach your life? Speaker 2 00:09:19 Oh, absolutely. Uh, you know, like I said, I was a catastrophizer, uh, and, and like you, I was raised, you know, that I had to figure everything out. I had to be very independent. Um, and, um, you know, I, I was the master of my own destiny and if, uh, something went wrong, it was my fault and I had to fix it. Um, and you know, I can do a lot of damage to my life even now, even, uh, even though I've, I've changed quite a bit. Um, but I do accept that, that so much is out of my control and that's okay. Because all that same stuff is out of everyone's control. They're just fooling themselves into thinking that it is. Yeah, Speaker 1 00:10:09 That's the point. That's the point Speaker 2 00:10:12 When you fool yourself into it, when you delude yourself that way, like you said, it's a miserable way to live it. If you can't be happy, you can't possibly be happy if your happiness hinges on you getting and things going according to your plans and things going your way in it, you know, because it's just not going to happen. And even if it happens for a little bit, it's unsustainable, Speaker 1 00:10:41 And this is, this is the key of the concept of surrendering that we focus on so heavily in recovery. And I'm telling you for my listeners, like the concept of surrendering to what is, will change your life, because it's the paradox that we don't have power, any, like you said, anything we think we can do to, uh, to, to cause a particular impact in our day, our life, the world, another person that's all illusion. And when you just surrender to the fact that I I'm not, God, I can't make things happen. I can show up with my intentions and let go of the results. This is how you get power. You get power by not fighting, you know, it's my favorite. So let's move on to, uh, to the next topic that we have, which is, um, designing a higher power or a God or whatever type of being that feels right to you designing one that works for you. Can you explain what it means to design a higher power, uh, according to what works for you? Speaker 2 00:12:02 Absolutely. Um, yeah, I mean, it might sound sacrilegious to some people to design your own higher power. Um, but, uh, what it's about for me is, um, you know, again, we're looking at reality, like we were with, uh, accepting life on life's terms, we're looking at what, what is really going on, what is real to us, um, and, um, and, uh, what, what is possible. And, um, and so, um, we're looking at our religious realities. I'm looking at my reality and my higher power has to make sense in my reality, or else I'm not going to be able to turn to my higher power. Um, I have to be able to believe in it. Uh, and so, um, you know, designing my higher power, um, uh, has been, uh, I mean, it's been a lifelong, um, effort for me. I've always been a spiritual seeker. Speaker 2 00:13:13 I was raised a Roman Catholic, but I have not been Roman Catholic for a long, long time. Um, but for me, it's really important that my higher power, um, be able to inspire me to do what is right. Um, in those moments that I have to accept life on life's terms. I have to make choices in those moments. Right. And I need my higher power to inspire me to make the right one. Um, and my higher power has to look out for me. Yeah. Um, and so, um, that's, that's really all, I really need to know about my higher power. Yeah. Beyond that. Nothing's really knowable, you know, um, if you have, uh, some sort of a spiritual higher power, but you can even have, you know, I talked to, I talked to a lot of agnostics and atheists, um, in recovery and, um, you know, you, your, your higher power doesn't have to be like a dude in the sky. You know, it just needs to be, um, it needs, you need to accept that there are things bigger than you. And that is where you can start with a higher power. There are things bigger than me. There are things more powerful than me. Um, some are good, some are bad. So I need to focus on those things bigger than me that are good for me that are good for my community. Uh, and that's where my higher power I can begin designing my higher power. And that really helped me early on in sobriety. Speaker 1 00:15:03 Yeah, absolutely. And so I want to kind of break this up into two, two parts. The first part, talking to listeners who might be atheist or agnostic, um, what does it mean to have a higher power? If it's not a sentience being, if it's not a God, then what is a higher power? And you know, what I would offer is that, uh, you know, in, in the 12 steps, and this is the wisdom that you and I are, are excited to share with the listeners. Um, and the 12 steps, if it doesn't matter, if someone has a God or not, uh, like you said, it matters that it needs to be something bigger than them. And so a lot of people use a group of friends of trusted friends and that while one other person, uh, isn't really an ideal higher power. If you were to go to two or three people for help or advice and, uh, pick the middle of all of their advice, you're going to be taken care of. Speaker 1 00:16:05 Right? Because having that group balances out, everybody's crazy, everybody's baggage, and it allows you to pick the, the most loving, sensible response to anything that's happening. So a higher power could simply be the wisdom of three people, which is greater than the wisdom of one person. Um, and so for those of you who might be, um, agnostic or atheist, when we say design a higher power, what we mean is have a framework for this kind of support that works for you, that feels loving and genuine for you. For some people higher power could be, uh, it could even be, um, scripture for Christians, right? Go into the, go into the, to the Bible and find the guidance that's there for you that might not work for me, but it's something that is a source of guidance and support and help. That feels right now for the people who are, uh, who believe in a deity, a sentience being, um, like myself. Speaker 1 00:17:21 My listeners know I'm not, I don't qualify as Christian, but I do believe in a God. Um, the purpose of designing a higher power is that if you believe your higher power disapproves of you, if you believe your higher power is coming after you, um, then how on earth can you invite that system of support in to help you now, the logic of this is that if you believe that God is everything, if you believe that God is all, then that means God is approval and disapproval, God is good. God also contains the evil, right? God is everything. And therefore, since we can't know all about God, like you just said, we can't know everything that God is, why not wrap our heads around the parts of God that we can understand. Some people envision a God, that's like a loving parent. Some people envision a God. That's like a sibling, um, uh, a person that will behave in a way that feels supportive. And so I wonder if you have anything else to add to them. Speaker 2 00:18:36 Uh, I think that is absolutely 100% right on, and I think that if, even if you do come from a more rigid faith tradition, like I, I came from Catholicism. I, if I were still Catholic, I don't think there would be, uh, any tension between, um, the, the concept of designing my higher power, uh, and what I was raised with, even though what I was raised with doesn't work for me, if I were still with that, I think it would, it's still work because, you know, every major religion believes that, you know, the, the higher power of that religion of that spiritual, uh, system, uh, is, is too great to be comprehended, no matter what. And even if you believe in no religion, there's still, you know, I recently read astrophysicist astrophysics for people in a hurry by Neil deGrasse, Tyson. Um, and, you know, even the, the, the physical laws of the universe are too great for certainly any one person to understand, but even our scientists don't understand everything. Speaker 2 00:19:51 Totally. We still don't really know how gravity works. We're getting a better idea all the time, since we discovered gravity waves. That was, that was great, but we're still kind of confused about how gravity works. And when we get into those big star systems, we don't know how it works. So there are going to be there, there are rules and laws in the universe that you're not going to understand, and that's okay. Focus on what you can understand. And that is what, what, um, what seems right and wrong for you for me, right. And wrong has to do with how the, um, how I interact with, uh, the community around me, um, how I am, uh, bringing value to other people and, and helping other people, um, that's right. Uh, when I take an exploit from other people that's wrong. Um, and, uh, and that's all, I, again, that's really all I need know. Speaker 2 00:20:47 Um, and I, I start there and I, I make my decisions that way. And you, like, you beautifully said, having a group of people to consult that have a similar beliefs about how to, how to move within this world has been so helpful for me there. When I, you know, I was not a person who asked for help ever, um, before getting sober, uh, getting sober was kind of the first time I ever asked for help in a long, long time. Right. And, um, I, uh, I, now, when I am feeling stuff, when I'm perplexed over stuff, this is stuff I used to just faster on just barely. Now I reach out when something's bothering me, I reach out and I talk to people I trust and try and get some insight from them. And that's how I talked to my higher power. Speaker 1 00:21:38 Yes. I think, I think that's perfect because, you know, we didn't set it up. I didn't set it up this way at the beginning of the episode, but everyone who's listening here knows someone touched by addiction, know someone who's touched by compulsion. And what we're saying is if these tools, and if these concepts are powerful enough to pull us back from the jaws of addiction, then these things also work. When you have a conflict with someone at work, they also work when your mother pushes your buttons. And they also work when you can't have what you want out of life. Like it, they work for the big traumas and they work for the little stuff too. And that's why I felt this was such a valuable episode. Um, because there are people who just don't know this stuff. Ironically, people who are on a path of spiritual awakening often find this same information, because these concepts are universal among, uh, spiritual teachers. Speaker 1 00:22:43 You find a lot of these concepts. If you dig under the surface, even in Catholicism, that back in the day when these things were, were, were, were being accepted by the masses, these are the ideas that rituals were built upon, you know, the same concepts. And, uh, I do want to say, though, you talked about how the forces of physics and, uh, are greater than a person, but when bath and body works has buy one, get one free candles. I can bend space time. And I just, I just need you to not get my I'm getting my candles. So yeah, I want to have that caveat. So no great point. Speaker 2 00:23:27 That's a great point about all of these spiritual traditions kind of having that same thing. Um, you know, I read a lot of, uh, Taoism, uh, the Dao de Ching and, um, Kwanzaa. And, um, I read a lot of stoicism and these concepts about the higher power and accepting life on life's terms are prominent concepts in those two traditions as well. And they're from very different times and very different places. So it is very universal. Speaker 1 00:24:01 So let's talk about shame. Shame is the reason why so many of us turned to compulsion's, um, and, uh, it deepened our reliance on these various substances, whether it's food or drugs or alcohol to, to, to numb and, and muffle the shame we felt. And so we've said that, uh, shame lives in darkness and that when we, we, we take the lid off the shame box and we, we let light shine on it. It loses its power. And I know that there is an expression that we use in the rooms about shame and the burden of it. And, uh, why don't you share with us how that goes? Sure. Speaker 2 00:24:45 Well, right. Just very along these lines. One of my favorite expressions, um, is a burden shared, uh, is cut in half and joy shared is doubled. Um, and that also ties into our former topic about, um, you know, about having a higher power and having a group. That's how I use my higher power in my groups, uh, of trusted people. I, like I said, I go to them with a burden and, um, uh, I find it's really true. Uh, and the, again, prior to this sort of journey I'm on now, uh, I, I was, I was an island, right. I would walk alone, whatever was happening to me. I would either hold inside bitterly or I would lash out and act out over it, neither, very healthy at all. Um, so instead of doing a tweet storm of anger or, or sitting around moping in bed, or, you know, punching my wall, um, again, I reach out and I share, and this goes for shame. Speaker 2 00:26:05 And this goes for things that I am, um, hurt by this. This goes for things I'm, you know, uh, I'm disappointed in this goes through things that perplex me when I all, any of those burdens when I share them, um, then, uh, they are less scary. Um, you know, that I saw someone share on Instagram today about, um, uh, something about, uh, psychotherapy, um, that, uh, was really poignant, um, that, you know, a does it, and, you know, a lot of my friends are like trained therapists, but they do some of that same work for me, a therapist doesn't, um, kill the monsters. The therapist invites them into the room so that you can see that they have no teeth. They got no nothing in their hand and they're scared and, uh, and weak, um, and, uh, invites them into the room so you can face them. And that's what sharing a burden does. You can, you can see it for what it is when you're, when you're, um, when you're sharing this burden, when you're sharing the shame with someone, something you're very ashamed of or something that's really just bothering you because you can't figure it out. Um, it loses its teeth. It loses its teeth so fast. And the more you do it, the easier it gets and the more effective that gets. Yes, Speaker 1 00:27:42 Yes. And you don't need to take our word for it. Again, you can go to any religious practice from Catholicism to Judaism. They all have processes where you look at what is weighing you down, and you share it with someone, right? You either go get absolution for a priest, or you have your family ritual in Judaism. And the point is that if you don't get it off your chest, you begin to withdraw. You begin to live in fear. You begin to live in isolation because you don't want people to know. And, uh, the fact is, like you said, with that whole monster scenario in the therapist, it's like the thought and the belief of what we're holding is so much more harmful than, uh, uh, than what is really there, right? The power is in the thought and the energy we give to it rather than what it actually is. And I mean, why do you think therapy works, right? Why do people pay for therapy? Because they need to go get stuff off their chest. They need to explain, what's weighing them down. And, uh, yeah. And we do that in recovery. Um, very often that's what we share about in meetings, right? Like when we talk with, with other members of a fellowship, we share that stuff so that it doesn't weigh us down and push us back into our compulsion's again. That's why it works on the small stuff too. Speaker 2 00:29:18 Absolutely. Absolutely. Speaker 1 00:29:21 So let's talk, uh, this kind of dovetails with the concept of, um, shame. It talks, it touches on the concept of reaching out to other people on, if you compare you despair. So tell us what that is all Speaker 2 00:29:36 About. Oh God, that's another great phrase that I use all the time. Um, and you know, I brought up Instagram in the last, uh, answer, talk about the place where you can compare and despair more than look at Kendall Jenner's oh man. Like, you know, people are, uh, curating on social media. People are curious, um, their lives to put forward, to maintain an image that they want. And even outside of social media, that people, you don't see all the warts, you know, people, people put makeup over it. So when we are comparing ourselves to others, we're comparing ourselves to the image that they want us to see. Um, or the, the image that they've they've put forward. So it's really, it's not, it's not useful. Again, it gets get goes back to that delusional, um, mindset that, um, you know, we want to get away from, um, it's, it's delusional to think that anyone's life is as perfect as it seems from what you're allowed to see. Speaker 2 00:30:51 So when you compare and you say, I wish I had, uh, you know, that, uh, that kind of success. I wish I had the boat. I wish I had the house. I wish I had the husband. Uh, you know, I wish I had the little corgi and, uh, you know, the, uh, all the vacations, you're not seeing the whole picture. And there are probably some dark things that go along with all that stuff that you don't have to experience. It's best to just, um, focus on yourself, don't compare to, uh, don't compare your, uh, successes and failures to what other people are putting out there. Um, it's just not a complete and whole picture. And so therefore it's not a wise comparison to make. Are you happy? That's what that do you, are you grateful for what you have? Are you, um, you know, are I have this, this cat that's sitting right here at my feet, it's adorable. Speaker 2 00:32:00 And it's, it's sweetest thing in the world. And I have to, I remind myself all the time, how grateful I am that they have the two cats that love me so much. Yes. Uh, that's a wonderful thing. And not everyone can have that, you know? So, um, you know, are, are you living in gratitude for what? Yeah. Are you, um, you know, appreciating, uh, you know, again, both the Stoics and the Dows and the Buddhists all preach this, you know, being grateful for what you have. Uh, you'd never know when it can be taken from you and not trying to leap over the next hill, you know, um, uh, trying to get the next thing, not waiting and appreciating what you you've already attained for getting about ignoring it and, and worrying about the next thing it's not healthy and it doesn't work. Speaker 1 00:32:55 No. And I mean, if you want to take this to a really practical level, um, the last episode was, uh, on or two episodes ago was about accepting the expectations of others as your own. And so here's, here's what happens to us, right? As, as, as kids and adolescents, we learn, um, a blueprint for life that is really great for some people. And we extrapolate on that, that it is the only way to achieve a quality life. And, you know, the reason that meditation is so powerful is because it gives you a chance to go inside and learn about yourself, to thine own self, be true. And the fact is, is it necessary to get your two-year-old into that elite pre-K? Is it necessary? Like, can you know that you are hurting your kids chances by not doing that? Like, can you really know that it is, is that what you really want, or is that what you have absorbed as necessary, according to a standard that doesn't even belong or fit you and, and, you know, do I need to be a vice president of such and such area, a business to have a reasonable life, maybe. Speaker 1 00:34:39 So for some people that is a fulfilling, exciting part of their life, but for me, so many of us have pursued careers that would allow me to fall into someone else's mold. And it wasn't until I got knocked down and someone held my hand and helped me look inside to realize I don't want that. And I didn't even know, I didn't want it. If you would have asked me if I wanted it, I would have said yes, and I would have believed it a hundred percent. But the fact is that I want, I didn't really want what all these other people had. It just seemed like the winning combination. And by looking inside, I was able to sort through that fog. And so when we say don't compare, that sounds ridiculous. It sounds impractical not to compare ourselves to others. We see things on the street and we want them right. But do yourself the favor of knowing yourself of taking time to go inside and saying, do I want this because it's gonna make me feel right? Or do I want this? Because I love myself and there's going to be an experience of joy, and it's going to really enrich the joy in my life. Those are not the same thing, always. Speaker 2 00:36:15 Exactly. And I'm really glad you brought up careers. I had a conversation with a friend in my circle of experts, uh, the other day, um, about ambition and, you know, ambition isn't necessarily a bad thing. Ambition, ambition got me where I'm at today, but there were times where I was ambitious and miserable, um, because I was, uh, pursuing things they didn't necessarily really want, or really weren't for me because I thought that I was, that was I, that was what I was supposed to do. I need to be ambitious and I will find happiness if I'm in business for those things that are a good fit for me, that are attainable, that I'm ready for, that I've done the hard work on myself for, um, that I've prepared for. And, um, you know, are, are in my wheelhouse and harmony with your values. Exactly. Hmm. Speaker 1 00:37:16 Yeah, exactly. All right. I love, I love this. I think it's just so rich. I think it's so powerful, uh, because I didn't know what I didn't know. Um, and you know, if I share with the listeners kind of the alcoholic or the recovery prospect of this, there's so many reasons to go back into our compulsive behaviors and listen, your problem might not be with a substance. You might be a workaholic, right? Where you, you, you work way harder than is necessary because you need to, um, muffle some other area of your life. You need to numb out some other area of your life. It works just as well with cake. It works just as well with beer. It works just as well with, uh, with drugs. I promise you. Um, but the fact is, uh, no, what matters to, you know, your values? And when I work with clients, um, you know, that's usually one of the first things that happen. Speaker 1 00:38:22 Someone walks in and says, I don't know why my life feels so blah. Like why does my life feels so like, it's on, um, autopilot and often it's because you have built a universe that doesn't belong to you. It was never meant for you. It was never yours. You know, uh, there is a world that will light your soul on fire. You just have to open your eyes and get quiet. So Phil, we are, uh, we're running close to, uh, to our time limit, but I do want to quickly go over one more. And so I'm just going to let you talk on it and I'm going to keep my mouth shut on it. And this is about keeping your side of the street clean. So can you give the listeners just an overview of what it means to keep your side of the street clean? Speaker 2 00:39:18 Absolutely. This is kind of the, the, the mirror image to what we just talked about, which is when you compare you to despair, keeping your side of the street clean, you know, it really, um, another way to look at it is, uh, you know, uh, that old saying people in glass houses or, uh, or for the, the Christians in the audience, uh, John eight, seven, let anyone let anyone of you who is without sin, be the first to throw the stone. Speaker 1 00:39:53 Do you feel racist, serving gospel realness on refractive podcasts? Speaker 2 00:39:57 It's, uh, you know, it, uh, again, it could, it goes down to look at yourself first. A lot of these really get down to focus inward instead of outward. So much of my life used to be focusing outward, um, trying to fix things outside of me. I'm trying to be like people that I was never going to be like. Um, Speaker 1 00:40:24 Phil P everyone else is messed up. People are constantly getting in your way. People are constantly, uh, hurting you, hurting your feelings, um, you know, cutting you off in traffic, uh, flaking off, not showing up for commitments like other people are messed up. So why is it that it's useful to focus on my side of the street when there's so many other people who are dragging me down with their hot messes? Speaker 2 00:40:54 Absolutely. And those people are still going to be hot messes, whether or not I focus on them. If, if my focus is on other people's problems, other people's flaws, uh, I'm not going to get peace and serenity. I'm not going to find my joy, um, that happiness, that fulfillment comes from inside of me. Um, and so it doesn't matter if someone else is cutting me off, um, in traffic, it, what matters is, you know, have I, have I made my gratitude list for the day? Have I pet my cats? Have I, um, you know, eaten a good meal. Um, when I bring that focus back inward, um, and stop focusing on all the flaws I see on other people, I stopped noticing their flaws as much their flaws don't bother me as much, and I can keep, um, improving my life instead of trying to fix other people. Um, you know, cause there's lots to fix in my life. I've got a lot of work to do. I really don't have time to fix anyone else's life. That's right. Exactly. Speaker 1 00:42:11 Man, this has been so great. I really, I really love this. Let me just recap the main, uh, nuggets of wisdom that we've dug into today. We talked about, uh, surrendering, uh, which, which is living life on life's terms rather than the life that we try to architect as if we could possibly architect anything. Um, the next was design a higher power that works for you, right? Think about what you need from a higher power, whether it is a sentience being or whether it is not, and, uh, have that framework ready in your mind so that when the, um, when the message, the fan, you have something to fall back on and rely on for support. A burden shared is halved and, uh, shame lives in darkness. So this was the third point that we talked about today. And, um, there's a reason that it feels good to talk to a friend when something is going wrong. Speaker 1 00:43:09 Um, do more of that. Don't just save it for the hard stuff. At the end of the day, if a coworker gave you a nasty side eye, it's okay to talk to someone and say, I don't know why she did that. It really upsets me well, because you know, maybe there's, uh, maybe there's something you can do about it internally. Instead of focusing externally on that, uh, we talked about when you compare you despair and that in reality, as long as you know yourself, as long as you know, what matters to you, as long as you understand your, um, your values, it doesn't matter what other people are doing. And it only hurts us when we drown out the voice of guidance inside of us to adopt the voice of guidance of someone else that is, uh, that is painful. Uh, and then the last one we talked about was keeping your side of the street clean. You know what, I apologize when I do something wrong, I focus on doing the things that are good and healthy for me. And if someone hurts, my feelings takes advantage of me, uh, or, uh, behaves in a way that's not fair. I let them and karma handle them. I don't need to worry about that. Um, I just say, I'm sorry, when for what I've done and that's it. So, uh, all right, Phil, how can listeners, uh, encounter you and your podcast and all of the goodness that comes out of, uh, the whole field? Speaker 2 00:44:45 Well, uh, my podcast is called the whole fill podcast and you can find it on any pod catcher, just, um, uh, all the major ones, at least, you know, apple and Google and, uh, iHeart and Castbox, uh, Stitcher just put, uh, just search for whole w H O L E Phil P H I L uh, the whole field podcast. And it should come up, uh, as the top result or one of the first results. Um, please subscribe. I'd really appreciate it. You can also find my [email protected]. That's Phillip with two L's and, um, uh, you can find me on Twitter at really Phil Reese. You can find me on all these evil, social medias, uh, Facebook I'm, Phil Reese, the DJ and Instagram. I am Phillip Drake, J Reese, uh, and I'm also Phillip J Reese on Twitch where I DJ live on Tuesday and Thursday nights for 45 minutes from seven, 10 to seven 55, uh, Eastern time, the, um, uh, club 45. Uh, and that's where you can find me. Speaker 1 00:45:58 So wait, can you say, what is, uh, can you tell people how they can find you on DJ? You said Twitch, uh, yeah. Speaker 2 00:46:05 Twitch.tv/phillip J Reese. Speaker 1 00:46:08 Okay. There you go. Perfect. All right, everybody. I want to thank you so much for joining us on refractive podcast today. I want to give my love and gratitude to Phil for coming onto the show today. And as you go about your day and people are stepping on your toes and slamming your door, just remember to be good to other people and aim your light. Take care. You have been listening to refractive podcast, and this is Johnny G. If you've enjoyed today's episode, do me a favor, give it a share on social media, or if you're in the podcast app, give it a rating. If you're on YouTube click, like it really does make a difference in the search results. I am a speaker, coach and facilitator based in Washington, DC, but I work in person and remotely with people who are ready to step with clarity into their most authentic life. If I can be of service, reach out to me, Johnny J O H N N [email protected] have an amazing day. Be good to each other and always remember aim your light.